Decade Four

Fired up and pissed off

2010-10-25T20:52:00.002-04:00

At some point in the future I plan to unleash some progeny on this unsuspecting planet. Yes, I'm talking about procreation.

Now, I don't when, I don't know exactly what - boy, girl, alien, whatever - but what I'm hoping for is a positive experience. Not the kind where you go to the hospital with the shit scared out of you because:

1. You have never given birth before

2. There is a weird, though slackening, code of silence among women as to what really goes down

3. Retards tell you to give birth on your back (SO DUMB - ok, technically not speaking from experience, but this isn't rocket science, it's gravity people)

4. Doctors like to do fun things like shoot you up with drugs when you may not want to them to speed the birth or

5. Cut you - yup - to move the process along

Granted there are times when there are complicating issues and the doctors are saving lives - and we thank them for that. I love doctors. But, what I don't love is what seems to me to be a serious lack of engagement by women in the process of pushing out that little screaming bundle. Girls - you need to stand up and get involved. READ EVERYTHING.

Having recently heard the experience described as a "ring of fire" I just don't think I need any further complicating psychological elements like a lack of dignity or respect for the my wishes or an unnecessary C-section or formula being forced on me on the way home ...

SO.

That brings me to my next beef. No cute puns here people. I'm talking about you Spencer Pratt.

I live in Hungary. I'm not Hungarian so I don't know if half the shit I read about this country is sensational, true or somewhere in between. But, I'm trying to figure that out.

So I've read things in "The Economist" for example that say all kinds of interventions are common practice - like cutting. Please. For God's sake. No cutting.

I kind of dig some of the things I've learned about lately like having a doula and giving birth in the water or even home birth - less germs, familiar environment, control over choices, no unwanted drugs and the option to go to the hospital if needed.

BUT AS IT TURNS OUT - GIVING BIRTH AT HOME IS ILLEGAL IN HUNGARY.

AND EVEN WORSE - READ THIS!

http://commonhealth.wbur.org/2010/10/report-gynecologist-imprisoned-for-assisting-with-home-births/

AND THIS:

http://www.birth.hu/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&layout=blog&id=76&Itemid=95

AND THIS:

www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/oct/22/hungary-midwife-agnes-gereb-home-birth

Um, I don't know what to say... I'm just astonished that this woman is in prison. Intrinsic to her professional role is bringing life into the world. A task to which she has surely proven herself capable.

A doctor who brings life into the world in jail for bringing life into the world?

Deeply saddened.

Get me the fuck out

2010-08-27T11:35:00.003-04:00

Moved to Budapest six weeks ago or so.

Open mind, curious about the history, curious about the architecture, curious curious curious.

Now I want to rip off my skin - this place is shithole and I swear I have TB. Alcoholics and bums everywhere.

But now we're stuck. Fuck.

Mambo #5 in München

2010-07-02T03:13:00.004-04:00

Being Sommer, I've been wearing shorts around the Haus, which I would never do in public. Today I happened to catch a glimpse of my leg while walking past the mirror. I saw a new little dimple which sent me into that fantasyland where one thinks a little bit of plastic surgery can return one to their former 22 year old glory. And with that, I was inspired to write a poem - I think the tune will be obvious:

A little bit of lypo

On my thighs

A little bit of botox

In my eyes

A little bit of saline

In my boobs

A whole lotta plastic 's what I'll use

Now seems like a good time to emphasize a mantra I've recently adopted. And that would be, "My glass is half full" - or was that my face?

Also, as a very random aside - Lou Bega is from Münich? Who knew!

It seems....

2010-06-30T09:30:00.002-04:00

I never get tired of getting upset about weddings. An article on Slate.com "In Defense of Plus +1s" got my attention yesterday. As I saw it, the author's tone was pejorative toward couples who are in the process of planning their weddings. He was particularly bent out of shape because he had been invited to weddings without being allowed to bring a guest.

Well, you can read the article here and see for yourselves where you stand on the issue. I felt VERY compelled to respond, along with what seems to be the rest of the universe - there are hundreds of posts with a slew of interpretations. I was feeling particularly proud of myself and my snarky little response post and so I thought I would share it with you.

Of course, I recommend reading the original article first, and then my response.

Decade Four
Maybe the right way to handle +1s is more like, "It depends"? Maybe there is no hard and fast rule? Why should weddings be like a McDonald's franchise - every gesture as uniform as a perfectly timed deep fryer? Maybe our CRITICAL THINKING skills allow for INDIVIDUALITY?

My ‘+1 rule’ was to make sure everyone had someone familiar around. Some got +1s (college gfs), other's (undergrad cousin’s w/ close family there) didn't. My mother got 3. She is single, 2 of her ex-husbands were at the wedding (fun!), her family lived abroad and wasn’t coming. Guess what? She didn't bring anyone! She was so excited about the day, didn't think she needed a +1 and walked down the aisle alone, yet confident.

Maybe the author could forgive IF he realized the wedding isn't “his happiness vs the evil couple”. Do these innumerable decisions revolve around him? Cake, ceremony, music, flowers, food, seating, venue, groom's wear, wedding party, decorations, alcohol, time, date, length, cost, first dance, caterer, dj? band?, rings, bridesmaids, groomsmen, payment strategy, payment method, parents pay? pay yourselves? gown, shoes, make-up, hair, sit-down, buffet or champagne & cake? f^cking etc.

It's clear he's never planned a wedding and has an inflated sense of self - "Look at me! I've got mad guest picking skillz! My +1s are cooler than your wedding guests!" So… +1s are allowed IF said +1s are cool? Uncool +1s are expendable? I’m sure the author dictates the ‘objective’ standard for cool.

Spouse are “grumbling tagalongs…We don’t select [them] on the basis of their social skills” Spoken like someone who isn't in love or happily married. Plenty of “tagalongs” probably know the bride & groom, and maybe even LIKE them and will DANCE and have FUN with them!

"The point of a wedding is excess" Really? What is excess? All excess is not equal. How can he be so confident in his definition? He thinks detractors from his take on social appropriateness (customized to serve him & his non-married cool friends) should be chastised. Fascistic much?

Also, I won't forgive your insolence. And, subtractionist ideology? The couple is in this predicament is b/c their glasses are half full (note the willingness to marry). They’re trying to INclude people.

Fascistic valuation of control of pleasure? What is that? Besides, wtf do you think a wedding is? Prioritizing pleasure over control? It’s a rite of social passage – loss & gain. Common the world over. And a painful one. The couple has to find a way to get through together. Married couples across America un-affectionately remember guests like the whiney author who made planning more difficult & complained, "I want it MY way! Wahhh!"

Did your mother take your video games away to make you finish your blog post? Feeling cynical bc/c she is weaning you off the teat? Maybe she said it was time to move out? But, I get it. You're 35, single and still living at home – really, who wants to do their own laundry and make their own breakfast?

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The constant reminders of terror

2010-05-11T19:20:00.004-04:00

It's late, and I'm very tired but, we're trying to decide about whether to take an apartment in Budapest, soon to be our new home.

It's a big place, the apartment itself is well restored, some beautiful architectural details, original hardwood floors, interior courtyard, though, much of the building needs renovation - the common areas have clearly not been touched in over 40 years.

I was curious about a building across the street - it seemed sort of emptyish but not altogether abandoned.

I typed in the address of our unit and searched on Google maps to see if anything came up across the street. Nothing on the map directly.

I searched on just the street name of our address, again on Google maps, and this time I added the word 'terror.' When I came out of our (potential) building last week, I saw a plaque on this other curious building - the engraving was entirely in Hungarian - except I could make out the word 'terror.'

I found out what this place was just now:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glass_House_(Budapest)

Here is one photo to give you an idea:

http://itthon.hu/site/upload/2009/10/Kivandorlasra%20jelentkezok%201944-ben.jpg

It is actually a hopeful story from the time of WWII and the slaughter of so many Jews. But, still, somehow, the unexpected discovery of this in my daily life saddened me greatly.

Oh man

2010-05-11T08:30:00.002-04:00

I'm trying to keep a positive attitude about the things that frustrate me but it ain't so easy.

Trying to learn this damn German healthcare system - which healthcare company to choose - but the sites are all in German.... ug.

Prostitutes and my husband

2010-04-20T19:00:00.002-04:00

Hey guys, feeling lonely? Look no further than the Meridien Budapest. I think if you go right now, there is a nice young woman who needs some company.

Enter the hotel through the front door - you might want to carry a briefcase or wear a suit and tie - you'll recognize her bright red sweater - and she'll direct a friendly, "Hi" in your direction.

A bit of eye contact and a response and your prayers for companionship will be answered.

*****

Luckily, my husband wasn't feeling so lonely when he was propositioned by a Hungarian honey on his way back to his hotel this evening. Let's hope that doesn't change anytime soon.... ;)

In re: Poland:

2010-04-17T04:59:00.005-04:00

A friend in the US recently asked me what my reaction was to the recent plane crash in Russian which killed many members of Poland's political, military and intellectual elite. Here is my email to her which I furiously typed up on my Blackberry - I didn't have internet access when I wrote this because we had just moved into a new apartment in Munich the day of the crash (slightly edited):

Hi there - well, I cried for like four hours last night and in Poland they are in a national week of mourning.
There are a number of things that make this event so painful for the Polish people and all of it has to do with their relationship w the Russians.

As u may know Russia invaded Poland from the east right after germany did from the north in the fall of 1939. The Russians killed hundreds of thousands of Poles. Unfortunately, the Poles falsely believed they were going to have back up from powers such as England and the US and, instead of declaring some sort of truce with the Russians they did nothing and were massacred mercilessly for it. In Dec 1939 in one day Stalin got rid of the Polish currency - anyone who had wealth in the Polish currency lost it in one day. He took over the banks and people's property and the media and promoted Soviet Communist political propaganda. Read about the Katyn massacre on wikipedia - its sickening what the Soviets did.

Then, at the end of WWII when the Allies realized they had to stop Hitler and finally involved themselves, the Yalta conference happened. In the build up to this conference, Stalin had been steadily increasing the presence of Communists who would support him (inside Poland). At Yalta he promised Churchill and FDR that he would hold free elections in Poland if they split up Europe such as to give him Poland and they naively BELIEVED him. Then Poland was turned over to the Soviets - Polish men who had been fighting on the side of the Allies got royally screwed when the were sent back to Poland - many political and military men were murdered by the Russians on their return to Poland. This is in 1945. Polish concentration camp prisoners were returned to Poland from abroad - to a now Communist country. Stalin never held free elections and instead installed those loyal to the Communists, both Polish and Russians, into positions of power. He deported hundreds of thousands of Poles to Soviet concentration camps after the end of WWII. Polish people had no political freedom and now they were poor.

There began an underground resistance movement - a workers movement - and leadership in this movement included Pope John Paul II and many of those who died in the plane crash. From the 50s to the 80s this movement gre stronger and as you know Poland was instrumental in the eventual fall of Communism and the breakup of the former Soviet Union.

Poland is the darling of the European Union is considered the strongest example of what the Eastern European economies are capable.

Today there is prosperity in Poland and one Pole told me in January that it was the "new America" as many shining new shopping centers are being built - Warsaw is a very modern and shining example for business. Polish people are less likely to go abroad for work as the currency is 3:1 with the Euro (they are not in a hurry to get on the Euro b/c they don't want the prices to rise) and now in Poland you can the same cars and other consumer goods as in the West.

What I think the pain comes from for the Polish people in this crash is a loss of leaders who brought freedom to the Poles through resistence, defiance and passion against the Russians. Until Saturday they were alive to educate the younger generations, tell their stories and push for recognition of the atrocities against Poles that have been ignored and covered up. The President was a vocal critic of Putin and he wasn't even invited to the official Katyn memorial ceremony. This event was a few days after the one Putin attended. Putin was furious with him because he was getting missiles from the US that would be pointed at Russia. The EU wasn't super thrilled either.

Finally these people who died on Saturday had begun to lead Poland into a bright and prosperous future.

As far as the political situation, all things point to the strength of Poland's democracy and the peaceful transition of power/elections and continuation of business as usual. No reason to think the political situation in Hungary would be affected. Though, as my uncle says, "Hungary and Poland are like brothers."

Finally, the Polish are deeply grieving this loss but they have been through so much that this is not an insurmountable set back. The Polish will grieve but they are extremely tough. Skin like an alligators. They recognize that all is not lost, they loved these leaders and appreciate what these leaders did for Poland - but they know that Poland will be okay and even see that perhaps this an opportunity for light to be shed on the circumstances of the Katyn massacre and that, in and of itself, is a victory for them.

Me So Retarded

2010-04-15T09:44:00.003-04:00

I'm going to declare April 15 "Be nice to foreigners" day.

What I want you to do, Dear Reader, is go outside to the streets of your town, take the first foreigner you meet and hug them with reckless abandon! Give them money, tell them how pretty they are. Give them a Greencard! If they are in your likeness, lend them your passport! Ask them what their favorite color is. Bake them cookies. Hold open a door for them - maybe pull out the chair for them when they go to sit down. Whatever you do, you must find an alien upon which you can bestow some kindness.

Tell them what an idiot you are for not knowing anything about their culture! Make many self-deprecating jokes explaining how dumb and stupid you are and how great and wonderful they are. Tell them they have achieved much! And that they speak [insert local language] very very well. Mistake them for a member of your nationality.

One note on the hugging, depending on where they are from, they might not actually like to be hugged. Don't pet them on the head if they are Asian.

You must make this a completely random act of kindness. You must ask for nothing in return.

Tell them that you feel lucky to know them. Tell they are fearless to leave their homeland where they know how everything works, know all the vocabulary of daily life and the cultural norms - to go somewhere else where all the rules are completely different. Tell them how adventuresome and strong they are for going somewhere they can't follow the local news, don't know the local holidays, don't know the local transportation ins and outs and don't have a clue where to buy a flour sifter, or even what it's called.

At this point, it's only fair to tell you that I have been feeling a wee bit retarded lately. Simple things like sending a package, buying a curtain rod and setting up a phone are noooooootttt sssssoooo ssssssiiiiiimmmmmppppllllleeeee when you don't know the local language, don't know the names of any 'do it yourself' stores and make assumptions like, if you can drop off and overnight a package at a Fedex location in the US, you must be able to do it in Germany too, right?

NO! YOU ROARING IDIOT!! You cannot drop off a Fedex package in the same way!

In Munich at least, Fedex doesn't have ANY drop-off boxes. Why is this? I'd like to think it's because of bomb threats.

Anyway, it was so painful to schedule a pick-up for Fedex ... I'm not sure I have the energy to explain it... needless to say after phone calls to both the German and the US customer service numbers, and one scheduled pick up at the apartment in which Fedex never actually came, and not having a printer and needing my husband to print things out at work so I could send them the next day, and having to reschedule a second pick up at the last minute from my husband's office - which required a near sprint from my home - since I needed new documents printed out and needed to overnight the damn thing ...

... after all of that, the *&(*& secretary at my husband's office got pissy with me because I didn't tell her that I was having Fedex come pick up a package - for which she had to do NOTHING. She just had to sit on her prim, passive-aggressive little German ass and do NOTHING except cluck and purse her lips and teach me a lesson in how rude I was to her ... PULEASE. As if she knows the definition of consideration or rudeness.

Next, maybe I'll teach her what rude is, but until then, I am working on not being a retard.

Today I am trying to buy a shower curtain rod.

Here are the questions I have:

1. How do you say shower curtain rod in German?

2. How long is the shower curtain rod I need?

3. Why don't we have a measuring tape in this rental where I've been living for 5 days?

4. What are the names of stores in Munich where I can buy a shower curtain rod?

5. On what website geared toward expats would I be able to ask other expats what the names of stores in Munich are where I can buy a shower curtain rod?

6. Where are these stores located that have shower curtain rods in the length that is approximately 1.5 times my silver neck scarf?

7. When I plug the six different addresses of the store into Google, which of them will be the closest to the starting point?

7a. What is the zip code of my new apartment again?

7ai. Why isn't my mom picking up the phone? It's only 8am her time.

7b. When I press the tiny paper map I have of the city over the Google maps on my laptop screen, will the result be accurate enough for me to actually know which tram, or bus, or Ubahn stop to go to?

7c. Why doesn't the website of the self help store have an English version?

7d. Why doesn't the help me please store have any results when I type in Klemmvorhangstange?

8. Why don't I have a car, or better yet, a car and driver who knows where do it yourself stores are located, knows that I might be able to say "Duschvorhang' for shower curtain, and is willing to drive me there at a moment's notice and give me a valium? For the same rate I would pay for the Ubahn?

8a. I'm not sure I will ever be able to get over saying 'I am going to "Dusch - en" ' when I really am just taking a shower.

9. Why did I schedule anything else for today and how is that I'm sitting inside, un-showered and in my pj's on such a beautiful day?

9a. Am I sure that there wasn't some crack or meth in my Darjeeling with a splash of 1.5% milk?

10. How am I ever going to do all of this in Budapest where I'm pretty sure life is like a million times less convenient than in Boston? Oops. I mean Munich. I live in Munich right now.

10. Why do people think housewives are lazy?

11. Do we really need a shower curtain?

Goodbye Worldfocus...

2010-04-03T07:14:00.009-04:00

It likely comes as no surprise that I am interested in World Affairs. I learned about the world of international news after spending 11 months in Paris for my junior year abroad in 1998. It will also not surprise you when I say that it really opened my eyes. I won't beat this dead horse of a point because those of you who get it, get it. Those of you who don't probably won't be persuaded by my insistence that it is important to understand what is happening in the world politically, economically and socially.

When I returned to the US after that year in France, the way I found out about international happenings was to go to lemonde.fr or to news.bbc.co.uk. US news provided no comparable coverage.

It saddened me that as an American, in a country where we brag that you can have anything, I couldn't get free access to international news.

But, if you're anything like me and you care about what is going on in the rest of the world, you learn very early, kind of like an abused spouse or child, that all of your pleadings aren't going to change the fundamental nature of the beast, and you find a way to have your needs met and keep going.

So, nearly 12 years later, when Worldfocus, a WNET.org produced show, popped up in my life (frankly I don't remember exactly how) I was really shocked - and happy!

"Wow," I thought, "after all that has happened in the past decade, with 9/11 and the two wars in Iraq and Afghanistan we are making progress in America! We finally have the critical mass of those interested in the world outside our borders to get a show like this on the air."

Over the past year, I didn't watch Worldfocus on TV, at first because I was too busy to be in the same place at the same time every night. Later, we moved to Munich and I couldn't get access to it from here. I consumed my Worldfocus "programming" primarily through links from their Facebook page. And it was like ambrosia. My favorite feature was the video clips, maybe 3 minutes, maybe longer, where an expert was interviewed by a World Focus staff member. I also remember stories of Poland, the 70th anniversary of WWII, the Fall of the Berlin Wall, coverage of China and its leadership's increasing assertiveness, and the economy and scores and scores and scores of other thoughtful stories.

The only well known show I can compare Worldfocus' reporting to is Amanpour on CNN. I think Amanpour aims to be a little bit sexier and controversial than World Focus by bringing in a few experts at once who disagree with one another. The on air arguments get my blood pumping all the time.

What the two shows do share is rigorous questioning and the defense of logic. If an expert guest on either show tries to spew rhetoric, they wind up looking ridiculous. The hosts of both programs are too smart for that. They will jump right into the fuzzy logic or poor arguments and force the guest to give a more solid and credible answer. I guess this is boring for some people.

So, for a time, my world news consumption was sandwiched between the more widely known 30 minute daily program of CNN's Amanpour and the online video updates from WNET's Worldfocus. Toss in the occasional Google news search on whatever topic and there you would find my happy place. Too good to be true really.

A few days ago, I learned that World Focus was being cancelled. Saw it in my FB feed.

Our World Focus broadcast will go off the air after April 2

"What? This can't be." I blinked, clicked on the link that took me to their page. Yup, there it was in writing.

Because of fundraising difficulties, Worldfocus will be going off the air after the April 2 broadcast.

During our nearly 18 months in production, we’ve sought to inform viewers about life around the world — as we said in our very first broadcast, to give you a better idea how the other 6.5 billion live.

Anchor Daljit Dhaliwal explains our decision to go off the air and thanks our many partners, experts and viewers.

Apparently, the story had caught the attention of the New York Times in the March 22, 2010 article As ‘Worldfocus’ Ends, a Call to Save It.

But, I was too late for that. I had only learned of all of this on Thursday, April 1, 2010, the day before the show was scheduled to go off the air. I read through the various reader comments, the explanation by the show itself, the comments by the WNET spokesperson. I dropped some comments here and there along with thousands of other commenters, including pleas for the option to donate. But, in the end, the cancelation just looked inevitable.

Martin Savidge in the Worldfocus studio.

And today, it is so. The hosts and the producers from the show are saying goodbye. I am sure I wasn't the only one who hoped for a white knight to swoop in and save the show. I am still puzzled by why this happened. Was it really just a question of money? Conspiracy theories are tempting of course. How could a show that garnered some 300,000 loyal supporters in 18 months go off the air? Did someone, some other corporation, put the pressure on WNET to cancel? The truth is, I don't know enough about the media industry, or anything about the financial circumstances of WNET or PBS, thus, I can't say if 300,000 is enough or not.

It appears not.

I blogged about this today because if I didn't I was just going to cry in pathetic isolation. I read a post by one saddened World Focus supporter who said they weren't going to give any money to PBS until the show was back on the air. Another said that all was gloom and doom because this was evidence of "what is happening in America" and that people were sinking further and further into ignorance.

I hope what happened yesterday was only the first chapter. I hope that I was right, that we finally did have a critical mass of Americans interested enough in a show like this, to get it on the air for 18 months. Maybe this is just a hiccup and another show like this will rise to the challenge of delivering balanced international reporting very soon.

Goddamn philosophy

2010-02-10T07:37:00.003-05:00

When my house burned down and I failed out of law school, I think the biggest source of pain was not the material losses, but the lack of a sufficient philosophical framework in which to explain what happened.

Karma didn't do it for me - The implication would be, so, my house burned down because of something I did in a past life?

Original sin didn't do for me - like, I'm inherently bad, therefore I deserve the bad things that happen me (fuck off btw whoever came up with this one)

God only challenges the one he loves - that didn't do it for me because, well, it's stupid.

Things happen for a reason didn't do it for me - again, fuck off. I'm convinced you only say this if you've only gone through moderately bad stuff - like, would a woman who has been raped be like, "Oh yeah, I'm sure there was a good reason for that." Please. And again, fuck off whoever invented this.

And so the list of stupidisms goes on.

Until I found the book, "When bad things happen to good people." Rabbi Harold Kushner is forced to examine all of these philosophies because his son died of a rare disorder, Progeria, and frankly, they didn't work for him either. And, btw, thank you so much to Harold Kushner for questioning the doctrine his entire society and religious community was schooled in. We need more people like him.

But now about this friggin' book I'm writing about the Holocaust. I am still looking for answers to questions regarding "why". I know, I know ... who isn't?

Unfortunately, "bad things happen to good people" may serve to help me with the small one off shitty ass parts of life - but it so does not help me get the behavior of jillions of people, not limited to the Nazis, who all did their little bit of evil, or indifference, or self-protection, to culminate in the killing of 11 million of their own in less than 10 years.

But seriously - why? And don't give me some mumbo jumbo about pure anti-semitism because while that NO DOUBT played a role, there were MILLIONS of non-Jews that also died. (The estimate is that about 5 million Gypsies, Poles, Russians, Slavs and others died - in addition to 6 million Jews - according to the Center for Holocaust and Genocide Studies at U. of Wisconsin). Anti-semitism may describe one of the prejudices that the Nazis held - but that's just it. It only describes one prejudice - they had others.

And, I don't even really think this prejudice alone was enough. Right - I hear you Dear Reader - you're maybe telling me that the economy sucked, too, or that Hitler was power hungry - and those things are true - but, even combined, they do not satisfy me.

They still don't explain the behavior of the people.

Dear Russian people,

2010-02-07T09:32:00.002-05:00

who keep posting links to sex cites in the comments section of my blog,

please stop. I'm not going to publish them.

Sincerely,

How did today go from great to suck?

2010-01-28T15:15:00.002-05:00

As you may have noticed today started out great - I thought of book title - that is kind of a big deal no?

And, I kind of like that last blog post - pretty good for first thing in the morning sans coffee. But the rest of the day? It sucked big time! real big time!

All it took was two emails. Two negative emails and a stomachache. Deepak Chopra is all about the power of positive thinking ...

Today is one of those days when I feel like I want to completely retract from society. A day when I feel completely and totally misunderstood. Just makes me want to be a dirty, ugly, stinky writer misanthrope with half drunk cups off coffee laying around and no social commitments or judgment from others to infect my brain and drive me batty. But, I have my marriage to think about and so that just changes it all doesn't it?

Hitler and my pants

2010-01-28T02:40:00.004-05:00

It 7 am and I can't find my pants.

I stand there, in Tshirt, scantily-clad bottom and barefeet on the cold parquet floor. Bleary eyed and blinking in the morning sun, it has just crashed upon me like a thunderous and awesome tsunami. That's why I've jumped out of bed, something I've rarely been known to do.

"Thanks, Hitler" I'll call it. That's it, the book title, "Thanks, Hitler" - it opens up whole new pathways in how I can express my voice and this story.

I find my black velvet pajama pants and dark-rimmed glasses and run off to tell my husband who is already up.

And he hates it. "Sure if you want your book to be totally sarcastic," he says.

Ugh.

"Well, I'm writing it down anyway. It's only the second day of this class."

We'll see.

It may be confusing....

2010-01-06T12:19:00.002-05:00

to you Dear Reader, to follow the story of my grandparents and my research about them. My apologies for that. I am not posting a complete story of what has taken place in terms of my research process.

Partly, I'm paranoid that if I put too much information on the web, it will cease to be mine.

Anyway, the latest development came over Christmas. It seems initial information about where my grandmother was a prisoner was not correct. We thought it was Dachau. In fact she was first in Ravensbrück.

Today, reading the site, I have found that the memorial site for this camp for women was opened on my birthday (albeit 20 years before I was born)...

?

2009-12-17T04:51:00.002-05:00

Can you inherit someone's ghosts? Are they genetic?

Going to Dachau today...

Interesting

2009-12-10T13:14:00.002-05:00

"The first piece you write that your family hates means you've found your voice."

-Susan Shapiro, Journalist and Professor, Manhattan

Poland

2009-12-10T08:56:00.005-05:00

I visited northern Poland this past week. One of the saddest moments for me this week was when I realized that some wounds are too deep to be healed in a lifetime.

November 30, 2009 8:01pm Munich time

2009-11-30T14:09:00.000-05:00

Funny thing I’m doing today.

Emailing the Dachau Memorial Library located at the site of the former camp. Sending them the names of my grandparents and their birthdates.

Sounds simpler than it is.

Had to find their birth certificates since I don’t even know their official names, nevermind their birthdays. On top of that, the paper for my grandfather are in Polish and those for my grandmother in German.

But what a surprise the prowess of Google Translator. It actually updates and changes the translation as you add more text.

Anyway, I’ve found a few interesting things along the way. First of all, I had no idea that my grandmother’s birthday is only one day after mine! Wow. Just these silly little things that I never knew.

The certificates have the towns where my grandparents were born in Poland and Austria respectively. Again, I had no idea and isn’t it strange the wonder of Google – I used google maps to find where those towns are located and it was not without a little bit of happiness that I discovered my grandmother’s birthplace is only a two and half hour drive from Munich!

I am still wondering though what town it was that my grandparents met in. I don’t know that yet.

I also found it strange that though my grandmother was born in 1916, that the birth certificate my mother provided for me is actually from November 16, 1942. This led me to try and get a feel for what the heck was going on around the time in the region my grandparents were located – of course, I still don’t know the dates they were at the camp so I can’t figure out what was going on geographical for them at this date.

I do know that they were out of the camp then because I believe their first post concentration camp child was born in 1941.

Researching the camp

2009-11-29T13:00:00.003-05:00

I'm researching today - reading about Dachau, when it was established, why and what was done there. At the moment, I am struck by the sheer magnitude of the place - the number of prisoners - the fact that it was first established in 1933 - the number of nationalities imprisoned there - French, Belgian, Polish, Austrian, Germany, etc etc -

I'm also struck by the number of additional camps and sites that were associated with Dachau... a plantation, a shooting range, Kaufering, Muhldorf ... it's just overwhelming.

Still looking for the details of my grandparents...

I need a thousand lifetimes because I know just enough to make me dangerous

2009-11-27T15:42:00.003-05:00

There is so much out there!

I'm planning a trip to Gdansk, in the north of Poland. This is where my mother grew up. The history of Gdansk is closely related to that of Hitler and his campaign of "hegemony." You may have heard of the city called Danzig which is of course what Hitler called it once it fell to Germany after the Nazis invaded Poland.

This is subject matter which interests me.

Today we attended the Tollwood Winter festival here in Munich. It is held on the same grounds of the Oktoberfest - it's a wonderfully quaint outdoor holiday celebration with mulled wines and food tents and the like. A more serious photographic exhibit is being shown documenting atrocities of war around the world in the past decade. It is disturbing and depressing - among these powerful images were:

-An elderly woman in Chechnya carrying nothing but a framed photograph and a number of rolled rugs on her back against a backdrop of a blighted, abandoned and rubble filled war town town.

-An infant Rwandan child, crouched on the ground, partially covered by the body of his dead mother who may have been trying to protect him, his mouth open, wailing and crying - but he is in a sea of dead bodies, all laying in poses similar to his mothers', indicating perhaps they had been shot within moments of one another...

-The body of a man in Haiti, face-down in the center of city street, apparently shot from the back, his body abandoned....

The reaction these images evoked in my ran the gamut:

-One has the choice whether to let the subject matter into the conscience - look at the images, weep and get back to the festival? Or, look at them, weep and carry them with you in your thoughts and actions?

-Another thought - it is always worth it to extend even the smallest acts of humanity. Always worth it to bring up uncomfortable topics at cocktail parties, just to push people to think and remember and be aware. The victims in these images cannot help themselves - we are the only ones who can help them so we have to try. Write about it, talk about it, take to the streets as these people are your common man.

-I thought of the Haitian cab drivers I always have in Boston and evaluate it like this. My mother's parents were the survivors of a war torn circumstances. She was never alive during WWII but I have seen the affects on her of the generation that picks up the pieces of such devastation. And these Haitian cab drivers with whom I have had many a conversation in French after a late night at work or perhaps after a drink with a friend, their war is right now - their war is happening today - I wonder what they have seen. What scars are they carrying?

-The old Chechnyan woman - she was maybe a mother, a grandmother - and I thought, she has lived a long and hard life - what does one want when they are old? To be surrounded by children and grandchildren, that is the dream of many. She deserves to stop and just be old, enjoy the fruits of long and hard lived life, but instead there she was elderly and frail, trying to eek out her survival - her husband and son had been killed.

And so from this exhibit came the desire for another lifetime, one dedicated to the study of these complex regional histories around the world. And another to dedicate my life to the plight of those so much less fortunate than myself.

And what about my quest to be a mother and grow a family? That's a lifetime of work right there.

I could spend one lifetime fixing the law school wound I still carry around - that is, working to pay off my educational debt asap and then going back to school and becoming an attorney.

I could spend part of a lifetime at least learning about Poland - the language for starters. I would also spend a great amount of time getting to know my family and their story. I would also learn about my grandparents and document what they went through.

Sometimes I think we American women's lib types don't know what we're missing

2009-11-23T04:45:00.004-05:00

For example, I just learned today that Munich Airport has special parking for women so that they can be near elevators and entrances in the parking garage. Pretty sure Logan Airport hasn't thought of that yet.

http://www.munich-airport.de/en/consumer/anab/auto/parken/parkservices/frauen/index.jsp

Also, I remember being in the Dominican Republic earlier this year and when we pulled up to the supermarket, there was special parking for pregnant women and for women with small children that was right up at the front.

Finally, here in Munich they have innumerable bike and walking paths throughout the city, unlike Boston which is hostile to bikers. Well, the paths are separated and the sign that indicates where the walkers should go is a picture of a woman holding the hand of a small child. How sensitive and humanitarian is that? And here we are running all over the world acting like no one knows how to treat women better than we do. PUH LEASE. I think we need to take care of problems at home a bit more.

May I remind my readers that in Germany working women are eligible for up to two years of paid maternity leave? Yes, two years. I'm pretty sure it's not full pay, but two years is a whole helluva lot better than 3-6 months. Tell me what American working mother wouldn't appreciate that kind of job protection.

Oh!!

2009-11-20T14:18:00.005-05:00

I seem to be on an Oprah posting slant lately, but what brought me to her today is the announcement of the end of her show after 25 seasons! I grew up with her! Oh Opee!! How can you leave us?!!

Truth be told, I am probably not the only one who noticed that in recent years her show wasn't what it used to be. It seemed more commercial, lacking the depth and authenticity for which The Oprah Show was so famous. She seemed to be gaining weight, appeared bored and generally less enthusiastic about guests and subject matter. Sometimes I felt she just kind of had her show as a stage for the products and projects of some of her celebrity friends like Julia Roberts, Shaquille O'Neille and Maria Shriver. As a lifelong viewer of this show (wow - my whole life almost!!) it feels very right to read that she is choosing to move on at this point and I think a lot of her supporters would agree.

I'm still looking for a video clip of the actual announcement since I'm living in Munich and they don't show her here... but in the meantime, here is a repost from Oprah.com that I think any Oprah fan would enjoy:

Since the day the late Gene Siskel asked me, "What do you know for sure?" and I got all flustered and started stuttering and couldn't come up with an answer, I've never stopped asking myself that question. And every month I must find yet another answer. Some months I feel I hardly know a thing, and I'm always pressed to make the deadline for this column. This time around, in honor of our tribute to the subject, I looked back and came up with my all-time top 20:

1. What you put out comes back all the time, no matter what. (This is my creed.)

2. You define your own life. Don't let other people write your script.

3. Whatever someone did to you in the past has no power over the present. Only you give it power.

4. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. (A lesson from Maya Angelou.)

5. Worrying is wasted time. Use the same energy for doing something about whatever worries you.

6. What you believe has more power than what you dream or wish or hope for. You become what you believe.

7. If the only prayer you ever say is thank you, that will be enough. (From the German theologian and humanist Meister Eckhart.)

8. The happiness you feel is in direct proportion to the love you give.

9. Failure is a signpost to turn you in another direction.

10. If you make a choice that goes against what everyone else thinks, the world will not fall apart.

11. Trust your instincts. Intuition doesn't lie.

12. Love yourself and then learn to extend that love to others in every encounter.

13. Let passion drive your profession.

14. Find a way to get paid for doing what you love. Then every paycheck will be a bonus.

15. Love doesn't hurt. It feels really good.

16. Every day brings a chance to start over.

17. Being a mother is the hardest job on earth. Women everywhere must declare it so.

18. Doubt means don't. Don't move. Don't answer. Don't rush forward.

19. When you don't know what to do, get still. The answer will come.

20. "Trouble don't last always." (A line from a Negro spiritual, which calls to mind another favorite: This, too, shall pass.)

So thanks, Gene, for asking me the question.

I think...

2009-11-12T05:57:00.001-05:00

Corporations are the new governments.

Full circle

2009-11-06T05:35:00.002-05:00

A la Oprah of course, I come to you with a "full circle moment" for this morning. Well, morning where I am anyway.

Though I should be doing my German homework, some other sort of cosmosis is willing me to write instead.

One of the subplots of my life is my journey back to Poland, both literally and figuratively. My family background includes grandparents who survived the Holocaust and a mother who grew up in post WWII Communist Poland who later immigrated to the US essentially so that I could have a better life than she.

Until two weeks ago I hadn't visited Poland since I was a 10 year old girl and the country was Communist. Next week marks the 20 years end of the Berlin Wall.

My German teacher is from Berlin and spent the many years of his young life separated from his grandparents who remained in East Berlin. Yesterday he told the touching story of how he, is parents and sister once a year would go to the wall on a predetermined date to see their grandparents.

I weep as I write this.

They would go to where the tourists would visit the Berlin wall, climb up the stairs to the top where everyone could look over into East Berlin. Their grandparents would be waiting on the other side, they would wait far away from the wall so that the police didn't see them.

On the western side, he and his family would look with binoculars down at their grandparents. The grandparents would remain very still, arms not waving so as not to attract the attention of police. Their grandparents could only see them as tiny people at a distance.

Then, after a few minutes of looking at each other, his parents would take out a white handkerchief, wave it up and down a number of times and back on the eastern side, his grandparents would make a quick, small wave, quickly turn around and run off so that they police would not be alarmed.

They would do this one a year for most of his young life.

I will hear more of his stories on Monday, the actual anniversary. And today, I am working with a translator to have documents translated so that I can reclaim my Polish citizenship. In December I will go to Dachau where my grandparents were.

The scourge of war and genocide and hate is more deeply impressed upon me now more than ever as all this bit and pieces, all of these stories, so many years after the end of WWII surround me. I know the trials and tribulations of so many have been documented in regard to what happened here in Europe. I know that the story of my family is terrifically common. It is so mundanely part of the human experience in some ways. But, I will always find hate and war and the evil humans can inflict upon one another profoundly inhumane.

But as wrong, horrible and traumatic as these things are, the world keeps on turning. And people keep moving.

This week my American husband, working for a German company went to work with a Polish client in Warsaw. All the while my Polish mother was in the United States.

Expat dinner

2009-11-05T17:41:00.003-05:00

It's funny the energy that flows when a group of expat women get together. Tonight at the table of a local Vietnamese restaurant, with only four total, sat 1 pregnant Brit, one Australian mother of two, an engaged American, another married American and myself.

The professions of these gals?

1. Pregnant Brit = Finance (married to a German)

2. Australian mother of 2 = Corporate Responsibility (married to a Swiss)

3. Engaged American = Residential Real Estate (engaged to a German)

4. Married American = can't remember exactly but it is polymer research related post doc with industry applications (married to an American)

5. Me = Marketing? (married to an American)

How many of these gals are employed?

Numbers 1 and 4

How many will be employed in the next few months?

Probably zero.

#1 is having a baby and moving back to England

#4's husband is a physicist and they had to decide whose job to move for. They chose his.

Tonight was full of belly laughs and cultural comparisons. For example, in Germany you can ask a woman in a job interview whether she is planning on having children and if she does have kids, how she is going to manage her job and her kids at the same time. You are also expected to submit a photo with your CV otherwise you won't be considered. You can't ask for the same in the US as it is illegal.

#2 is interviewing for jobs right now since her husband's company laid him off 4 months after they transferred him, his wife and their two children to Germany. How nice. She is already the mother of two and was asked not only how she would manage children and her job but also whether she was planning to have any more children.

I thought of two potential responses to the question of whether or not you are going to have children/further children:

1. No, I'm barren.

2. No, I've had my vagina locked.

Stupid questions, stupid answers.

Ah the things we say...

2009-11-05T12:57:00.001-05:00

So much media,

So many blogs,

Is this this a case of

If you have nothing good - of quality - to say

Should you say nothing at all?

Wet phones, FB and fixes

2009-10-26T12:33:00.004-04:00

Have you ever dropped your cell phone in the toilet? Or maybe you put it through the washing machine? Getting your phone wet pretty much means it's no longer going to be of any use to you. UNTIL NOW!

You just never know what you are going to find on Facebook. A recent series of posts turned up these tips on salvaging your water (or other liquid!) soaked cell phone:

1. Bust out the hair dryer:

That's right. Say you've just finished fishing your phone out of the toilet bowl. (Hopefully the bowl only contained water at the time.) Towel off the water, take out the battery and apply the heat directly to the phone and the battery for at least five minutes.

2. Heat lamps aren't just for warm meals:

Yup. That same device used to keep your food warm can also save you the cost of replacing your phone! Put the phone under there and cook off the H2O.

And my favorite.....

3. Rice bowl:

You heard it here first. Take the battery out and put all the phone parts in a bowl of rice! Yes! A bowl of dry rice! How resourceful!!

Just make sure you do all of this pretty quickly after the phone gets wet. In desperate mobile matters such as these you have to act fast! Time is of the essence!!

Hindered by Kindern

2009-10-26T10:33:00.002-04:00

It seems ironic that once a gal hits her stride, professionally, personally, etc, she is then confronted with what to do regarding children.

Have them and a career and hire someone else to watch them? Or have them, leave the career and watch them herself?

Of course people will say you can work part time. But, we all know that once you do that, your career is on the sloooowwww track if on any track at all. Or you can take some time off and go back to work. But even when you go back to work, the kids are still there with sniffles and coughs and lunches to pack and school breaks and sports practice and music lessons. And chances are, mommy is still the first person who gets a phone call when little Suzie needs to go home early.

And so, really, once you have children, unless you are of the disposition that you can severe the emotional connection and outsource the decision making and hands-on rearing, you're basically fucked.

Happy Monday!

Ins and Outs

2009-10-19T05:43:00.001-04:00

Does who you "fundamentally are" - who you are on the inside - really matter when the whole world can only see the outside?

Expat Wife, Funny Life

2009-09-23T10:03:00.001-04:00

So, now I'm an expat wife.

We moved to Munich a few weeks ago.

He said...

2009-08-24T23:01:00.008-04:00

"People can hear their inner voices with great clarity and live by what they hear..."

What a blessing it is to live this way. Often the clamor of daily life, or internal dialogue, can drown out the truth of our inner voices. Coming back to such a place takes work.

Careers, ambition, relationships - there is an endless onslaught of potential distractions from one's internal desires. I often become withdrawn from the world and what it wants from me, ignoring the phone and the emails and the texts, in an effort to let myself out.

Life in Livingston, Montana was featured in tonight's episode of No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain. Ranchers and cowboys alongside the occasional poet and painter make up the fabric of this "end of the line" town. As one stricken with a lifelong case of wanderlust, I soaked up the swelling sense of freedom and independence Livingston's residents appeared to enjoy.

As a woman, I wondered if I could live the life of these loner poets and writers. The reclusive lifestyle of authors there and elsewhere, like Jim Harrison or Thoreau, who have spent years tucked away in remote cabins or deeply wooded forests, is almost too seductive to resist. Alone with one's thoughts, constrained only by the body's wants of sleep and food, timelessness replaces seconds and minutes and hours. Writing and expression are safe to unfurl at will.

But, then, fear of physical harm creeps into my mind. Would it be safe for me, a 5'2" woman? Terrifying visions of being alone and attacked, too weak or small to defend myself, shatter my fantasy of the reclusive lifestyle these male writers, and readers for that matter, glorify and take for granted. Could such an environment provide refuge, a safe-haven, for my body and for my thoughts?

Even in On the Road with Kerouac, the same questions linger for me. What kind of real freedom would I feel traveling alone, hitchhiking in the rain on a deserted road to my next location? Is the ever present concern of imminent danger freedom?

In some senses, my heart hurts when I read these heralded stories of free men. I envy their sex. I envy that they are not the subject of desire and conquest in the same way my same-sex sisters and I are. Sometimes, I wish I was one of these men.

This whole Gates thing is bothering me.... does class + race = progress?

2009-07-23T13:30:00.009-04:00

Apparently I'm not the only one with all the media talk that has been going around.

First, I was bothered that a racist incident like this could take place in an area of Cambridge with which I am so familiar. Then, I was bothered that a black man needs to worry when his front door gets stuck, that he will be arrested when his neighbors call the police.

I remembered an incident in my neighborhood a year or two ago when I saw two guys, around 20 years old, opening the window of a first floor apartment and climbing in. My street is full of college/grad students throwing parties etc - they fit the profile of college students who had locked themselves out - wearing printed T's and fashionable jeans - it was broad daylight - so I just figured that's what it was. They were white.

When this whole Gates thing came up, I asked myself, if those two guys had been black, would I have acted differently? I have called the police before - though the circumstances were completely different (once a guy was trying to beat down the door of his girlfriend's apartment after sneaking into the building - oh and his face and hands were covered with blood - another time I heard gunshots, screams and then looked out my window to see a man running across the Christian Science Center reflecting pool area with a HUGE gun in his hand - the first case, the guy was Japanese, the second he was black).

After reflecting on these thoughts though, I got more bothered though because something didn't sit well with me and this professor. He reminds me of the famous "Don't tase me bro" kid who got himself in trouble with the police after pushing the limits when at an event where John Kerry was speaking.

As far as I am concerned, the most important part of this video is the beginning where, upon the suggestion from the police that the shut the hell up and move on, he fights them. I believe that the student's desire to provoke combined with a juvenile sense of superiority over those around him is what led to these circumstances. Did the police need to taser him? Absolutely not, but that is a secondary issue. What did he set out to do when he went to the podium? To reveal dishonesty within the Kerry campaign I assume. Did he achieve his goal? Um, I'm going to go with NO here. In my mind he, and only he, failed his cause.

Here is an interview with him on the Today Show where he admits that he made a mistake. He concedes that he wasn't able to keep his composure and the police where just trying to do their job.

This whole post was provoked by a comment one reader made in response to an online news story regarding the Gates arrest. They said that Gates had set back Black/White race relations by 30 years.

Well, what if this is actually evidence of advanced race relations in United States? It seems there is sentiment upon sentiment that this case is not just about race. This Boston Globe reporter says it's more about "power and machismo on both sides".

Though I don't have the empirical evidence to prove it, I felt early on that the professor was operating under the influence of something other than injustice induced outrage. He was making public appearances so quickly. He is accused of making statements like, "You don't know who you are dealing with" - he apparently didn't want to show his ID.

That people were so offended a Harvard professor had been arrested made me feel something was amiss. Have we not established that one's profession does not necessarily preclude them from doing something illegal? Isn't that like, really, really obvious?

Methinks that in a case where race and class are so entangled, the only way to fairly evaluate the situation is to look at the behavior of the individuals involved. Again, I think this is fairly obvious and is the manner by which all individuals should be evaluated but it seems we have strayed in this case.

Well, I'll be damned - ladies get your hormones tested now

2009-07-06T18:56:00.017-04:00

Alright, I have recently unearthed some women's health advice that really surprised me.

As you may have deduced by now, I'm a rather big fan of anything that can make a women's life better. Naturally, the pursuit of knowledge and Oprah fall at the top of my list of things that ameliorate the female journey.

I was watching this sex webinar of sorts on Oprah.com. Dr. Laura Berman, a sex therapist, and Oprah were discussing all sorts of things surrounding sex. The topic of hormones and menopause came up. When addressing the issue of one's hormones being all out of whack during menopause, Dr. Berman recommended women get their hormone levels checked BEFORE menopause. WAY BEFORE. Go to about the 9 minute mark to listen to her explanation.

VIDEO

Her point is that if you get your hormones levels tested when they are normal, say around your 20s and early 30s, then later, when they aren't normal and your doctor is messing around with them to get you where they need to be, it will be a heck of a lot easier. It seems every women's hormones are as "unique as her fingerprint." If you test them when you are at a happy and normal place, you are making things easier down the road.

Well now, doesn't that make sense! I'm in my thirties (Decade Four - get it? Remember this: Decade Three vs. Decade Four ?) so I have not yet been blessed with the wonder and mystery of menopause, or even childbirth for that matter. Naturally, there are women in my life that have been. And, I'm not sure they would use the word "blessed." I'm not looking forward to menopause so naturally, anything I can do now to ease the transition is welcome.

So what do you say ladies? Has anyone out there heard of having your hormones tested earlier in life? Has anyone gone to their doctor and asked about it? What did the doctor say? Did they think you were crazy? Did they think it was a great idea? Was the doc old, young? Male? Female? Are you planning on bringing this up with your doctor?

I'll be poking around the web for some more info on this topic and if all goes well, I will probably ask my doctor about this. In the meantime, please send along your comments about any experience or knowledge you might have!

Innovative way to support citizen journalism in Iran

2009-06-21T12:31:00.003-04:00

From a friend on Facebook:

If you are on Twitter, set your location to Tehran and your time zone to GMT +3.30. Security forces are hunting for bloggers using location/timezone searches. The more people at this location, the more of a logjam it creates for forces trying to shut Iranians' access to the internet down. Cut & paste & pass it on.

I don't have a Twitter account and can't verify if this works or not but why not give it a try?

Hm - Cambridge Who's Who

2009-06-08T17:48:00.007-04:00

Given all my chatter about quitting jobs and failing out of law school, imagine my surprise when I received a letter today from "Cambridge Who's Who."

At first I thought, how lovely, it said:
"You were recently appointed as a biographical candidate to represent Boston, MA in the 2009/2010 online Cambridge Who's Who Registry among Executive and Professional Women.

Having worked in marketing I've seen a zillion of these different listing companies. Many firms are very interested in having their professionals recognized - Martindale Hubbell, Interlaw and Chambers are just a few. I thought maybe because I've worked for some high profile people, that someone found my name from the website of one of my former companies.

But, then I skipped to the very fine print at the bottom of the letter:
"Cambridge Who's Who is proudly not associated or affiliated with any other Who's Who Publication or Organization."

Since when are people proudly not affiliated? That was a pretty major red flag.

I also noted that the letter was signed "M. Foster." Generally, I find that if someone sends you a letter it's because they want a response. If you send a letter to me stating you are "M" then you don't want me to find you and I'm more likely to think you are a Lord of the Rings character. Nice try.

Finally, a good old Google search once again proved itself to be every gals best friend. After reading this post, I knew I had to put my delusions of grandeur aside and call a scam a scam.

Sad.

Ah well. Next time!

Survival

2009-06-01T12:28:00.008-04:00

So, I resigned - or quit. Or was fired. Depends on your perspective. The deciding moment for me was when I stated to the European partner, I would like to stay, but only if there is support for me to continue to stay. Her response, "Well, I never had any faith in you from the beginning..."

Alright. That was all I needed to hear. Thank you. We picked my last day (Wednesday) and I've been alternating between excitement, disappointment, frustration and sadness since.

So, now "Survival".

I go back and forth between strategies for managing life, work, money etc. I used to believe you should set a goal then impose a structure on that which you are responsible for managing. I pretty much used this approach up until the last couple of years. I think it was moderately successful. Then, I met my husband. He did not have this approach. He was more of the revolving responsibility type. Like, the bill arrives, you pay it. An email comes, you answer it. People want something, you give it to them. And, frankly, we could make the argument he has been more successful:

Grad school - he finished, I didn't
Money - he makes more
Enemies - he has none
Jobs - he keeps them
Career - works for a respectable company that respects him

So, as you might imagine, I thought I was doing something wrong and decided to adopt his "take it as it comes" approach. To clarify, for awhile before adopting his philosophy, I thought he was wrong. Over the years though, his approach has seemed to consistently bring him success (see above). As a disclaimer, I do feel the need to point out it's not clear that I have all the relevant information needed to draw conclusions as to which approach is better. I might be oversimplifying.

But to summarize the results of me using his "take it as it comes" approach:

That shit didn't pan out for me either. (see above where I say that I resigned)

Interestingly, lately he seems to be shifting to the disciplined method and, in fact, since last week, has been telling me I need to be more structured. Hardly seems fair!

More interestingly though, I was watching one of these wilderness survival shows "Man vs Wild" this weekend. The host, a crazy, but quite handsome, Brit named Bear Grylls (I kid you not) found himself in a bit of a predicament. He had been dropped into the Great Plains with little more than a rucksack and a mess kit and was challenged to survive among the rapidly shifting elements and uncertain terrain.

As he stood there skinning a snake he just caught for dinner or assembling a torch from green sapling and birch bark, I can't remember which, he looked into the camera and plainly stated something like, "The key to survival is taking control of your environment."

Call it what you will - an Oprah-like "aha" moment; Eureka; BGO (blinding glimpse of the obvious), etc etc - but at that moment, any doubt I had about how to move forward was removed. In doubt's place was the realization that to get on with things, I'd first have to put things into order.

No doubt, millions have realized this before me. Gandhi sought sanitary reform by Indians in South Africa for similar reasons. Voltaire's Candide famously states, "Il faut cultiver notre jardin." For me, I knew it, then doubted it, and now know it again.

Dazed and Confused

2009-05-21T10:31:00.002-04:00

But not high... unfortunately.

Sometimes in life you stand, looking out at the future and asking yourself, what the hell am I going to do now?

They say blogging about work is wrong. Blah (insert photo of my middle finger).

My job. Started in September 2008. I took a risk to do new sales for a start-up. Hadn't worked in the industry before. Only one other person in the office. 3 months in she quit. I start running everything - HR, client service, operations, marketing, sales, etc etc etc - with a mind to the potential for financial and personal upside. Simultaneously, the economy doesn't just stop growing, but actually starts shrinking. We make a rash hiring decision I don't agree with. 3 weeks later I have to fire that rash hiring decision - based on my stubbornness not to make the same decision twice, we get a great person the second-time around. I train him - it is now mid-April - I've been busting my ass non-stop alone in an office and grown a little potbelly as evidence of such - our 3 biggest clients start pulling in the reins and stop sending us business - our sales shrink by more than 50% - not because of our performance but due to lack of demand from their clients.

I am blamed and find out through an email that was accidentally forwarded to me that someone from our overseas HQ is coming over on a recon mission and also to find a replacement for me. I go to the US based partner to confirm that this is happening - basically he doesn't agree with the European partner that this should take place. Great. No one knows what the hell is going on. No one is making any hard and fast decisions. He says - I dunno - maybe in a month I will be gone?

What do I do? The end of my tenure doesn't seem to be a forgone conclusion. There is still potential for growth and I think sales from our clients will grow soon. But, when one of the partners doesn't want you there anymore, they can make your life hell. There is the other small issue of my own morale at this point.

Do I:
a. stay, coast and let them fire me.
b. dig in and fight to grow the business and keep this job.
c. take control and quit immediately or decide an end date?

a. Easy, but demoralizing.
b. Hard. Uncertain. Potentially really good, really bad or in the middle both emotionally and professionally.
c. Healthy. The only problem is that I have to decide what to do next.

thinking...

Blog Therapy

2009-04-28T22:55:00.002-04:00

Usually, when I write a post, I feel better afterward. This last post only led me to do something we'll fondly refer to as, well ... gee, the only word that comes to mind is defecate. Don't ask me why I am publishing this. I have a strong feeling I will regret it from the moment I hit "publish post".

But, more women should write about that doncha think? - I'm pretty and I poo!

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. I think I have to admit why I'm upset, for real, in order to work through it. The problem is, I am afraid I won't be able to muster up the damn energy needed to deal with the situation - by not admitting it, I don't have to do anything about it.

But, then my fear of regret is telling me that I need to admit it, deal with it and move on, because if I don't, I risk looking back sometime in the future and wondering why I was such an ass. Then, I run the even bigger risk of giving myself yet another reason to criticize myself - something I definitely don't need. So essentially, it seems to be coming down to, criticize myself now, or, criticize myself later. Hm . .. .. nope, not going down that rabbit hole.

Alright, on to the thing I have to admit today. I'm a procrastinator.
haha, nope, that's not it!

Bwah haaa - that little bit of funny gave me a good chuckle - who needs friends when you can make yourself laugh! Haa!

Alright ... I'm afraid of doing sales! Yes! I am not down with picking up the phone and being on the shitty end of the vulnerability stick (ps my job is sales). I enjoy marketing more! I do not like feeling desperate and cheap and trying so hard to plan out my words and listen carefully to what the other end of the phone is saying so as to perfectly bleat out every breath and tone and ooh and ahh and unhuh in response.

And, I think that fear is making me take a bad situation (no strong leadership/no agreement on strategy/bad economy) and make it worse.

There are so many ugly things down the road this week - I think I'll be the subject of a lot of criticism - it's hard not to care - which is where I wish I was right now - and I would just quit but I've got this great new co-worker and he (don't worry - his orientation doesn't swing my way) is seriously the best ally/unexpected fresh face to come along in awhile and reminds me of old parts of myself I can't seem to find anymore. If I leave, I lose a buddy and leave them behind with a mess I don't think they are equipped to handle. At least someone values me.

Hi there

2009-04-28T22:42:00.002-04:00

So, it's been awhile......

Didja miss me?

I come to you this evening with a question - what is the point of growth?

I took a business development job in start-up company in September. And we all know what happened then. The economy hit the pooper. And the company where I am the only business development person is no exception. I may be feeling particularly low today because we delivered the sales report to the partners and they were not happy.

There are a whole host of other things that have gone on since January. The thing I find most depressing, not the fact that the only other employee left to start her own company taking company secrets with her, not the fact that projects seem to be smaller and less frequent, not the fact that my retard CEO made me physically interview 25 people in one week only to have to fire that bad hire 3 weeks later, not the fact that I had to trick the partners into letting me use a recruiter to get the next person in.... nope, none of that - the thing that I find most depressing is that I've gained 8 pounds since January. The skin on my arms feels like Dumbo's ears.

If I can grow, why can't the company?

December. An odd month.

2008-12-23T14:09:00.002-05:00

Here is a calendar of my month.

Dec 12
DSF's company has layoffs. We survive.

Dec 23
The only other person in my company quits. I am now the only employee.

Dec 24
I go on vacation for 3 weeks. During that time I...

Dec 31
...get married

Top Ten Ways To Know You're Dating/Married To A Consultant

2008-09-06T21:11:00.000-04:00

Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "diagnostic period".
Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
Takes a half day at the office because, "Sunday is your day."
Congratulates your parents for successful value creation.
Tries to call room service from the bedroom.
Ends any argument by saying, "let's talk about this off-line."
Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review.
Can't be trusted with the car-too accustomed to beating up rentals.
Valentine's Day card has bullet points.
Refers to lovemaking as a "win-win".

Obsédée

2008-09-04T10:58:00.000-04:00

Obsédée. Je suis tellement obsédée de Emily Loizeau.

A realization

2008-09-03T21:57:00.001-04:00

All the time I spent waiting to exhale, it turns out he was too.

This whole shit storm is unbelievable.

2008-09-03T13:36:00.002-04:00

Mood today: Incredulous.

Let's see - Hillary preaches sex education and evolution and her daughter went to two top universities then worked at one of the world's top consulting firms ... bad girl!

Palin preaches abstinence education and creationism and her daughter is oh... what? Seventeen and pregnant? What a great example for women and girls everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No "all caps" today.

2008-09-02T23:41:00.004-04:00

You know, when I look back at that post from the other day, I think to myself, "Am I bi-polar?"

I wonder if you gentle reader my have asked yourself the same thing?

I'm pretty sure I'm not but hey, I'm no doctor so one can't really be sure. I'm in the middle of thinking about the wording for my invitation and I'm not feeling nearly as frustrated as the other day I'm glad to report. I almost feel like there was some strange initiation that I had to go through in my head to reach the point of calm afterward.

Here's to hoping that I don't sweat the small stuff in the coming months.

By the way, here is my inspiration for my New Year's wedding...

AND ANOTHER THING

2008-08-28T19:57:00.002-04:00

I AM STILL PISSED AND WILL REMAIN AS SUCH FOR A LONG FUCKING TIME.

THIS WHOLE WEDDING SHIT IS SUCH A THROW BACK - I FEEL LIKE CHATTEL - AND NO I'M NOT GETTING WALKED DOWN THE ISLE - AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS WHOLE ISLE THING ANYWAY? I THOUGHT I WAS HAVING A SECULAR WEDDING?

CATHOLICS HATE WOMEN TOO SO SCREW THOSE TRADITIONS. WHAT IS THE OINT OF MY EDUCATION AND WORK EXPERIENCE???? HUUH ???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? DID IT MAKE MY WOMB MORE FERTILE? MAYBE THAT'S WHY. WHY DID I HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO BE INDEPENDENT IF NOW I'M SUPPOSED TO ACT LIKE I SOME WISPY MAIDEN WHO IS JUST EMBARKING ON HER LIFE!!!

I'VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU!!!!!!!!! I'M NOT!!!!!!!!!

I'M SO GLAD I GOT AN EDUCATION SO THAT I COULD MAKE IMPORTANT DECISIONS ABOUT WHETHER TO WEAR AN A-LINE OR A SHEATH STYLE DRESS AND FLOWERPETALS AND OTHER STUPID SHIT LIKE THAT.

I'M WEARING RED WITH MY BOOBS HANGING OUT.

THE EFFECT OF THESE ALL CAPS IS WEARING OFF.

Throwing a wedding sucks balls

2008-08-28T19:45:00.002-04:00

I find that men are sexist by omission and women by commission when it comes to this whole bridal industry.

Dresses. What kind of bullshit is this? I went to a bridal salon/evening gown place and those sons of bitches wouldn't tell me the name of the designer of the dress I was trying on. The dress retailed in the thousands - I was there because there was a sample sale - and these bitches wouldn't tell me the designer. What kind of asshole spends thousands of dollars on a product for which they don't know the maker?

These a-holes wanted me to fill out a card about myself that said all kinds of important things like - what was my mother's name and contact information? What was the date of my wedding? Did I hear about them because I'm registered on The Knot.com? Well FUCK YOU WEDDING INDUSTRY MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!! I HATE HOW CHEATING AND SEXIST YOU ARE!!! YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I AM A DUMB BRAINLESS ASSHOLE THAT HAS NO CONCEPT OF THE VALUE OF MONEY.

DID I MENTION FUCK YOU? NO I AM NOT DOING A BOUQUET TOSS THAT WILL HUMILIATE THE SINGLE WOMEN AT THE WEDDING. NO I AM NOT LETTING SOME MOTHERFUCKER PUT A GARTER ON MY LEG AND I AM NOT WEARING WHITE BECAUSE - NEWSFLASH - I'M THIRTY FUCKING YEARS OLD AND I AM NOT A VIRGIN!!! I AM NOT REGISTERING BECAUSE I ALREADY HAVE 5 FUCKING COFFEEMAKERS AND I AM NOT GIVING OUT BATSHIT CRAZY STUPID OVERPRICED WEDDING FAVORS JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT ME TO.

FUCK THE WEDDING INDUSTRY AND EVERYONE WHO WORKS IN IT. YOU ARE ALL ASSHOLES.

Visual delight

2008-07-24T14:38:00.001-04:00

Madonna says:

2008-07-22T21:23:00.002-04:00

"If you can't say, 'I will die if I don't do it,' then you shouldn't do it," she says of shooting for the stars.

About 1999, Jesse Jackson fathered a baby out of wedlock.

2008-07-10T11:18:00.005-04:00

So, I didn't know this - maybe I had my head up my ass at the time. (The news came out around the time I graduated college so I was probably freaking out about something else at that time.)

Anyhoo, given Jesse Jackson's seeming distaste for Obama, maybe he's just oversensitive. Maybe JJ is projecting his own guilt and shame from the past onto Obama's comments. Sure, it was while ago, but JJ's daughter is probably about 9 years old now and likely becoming ever more aware of the world around her, so it's not like he or the rest of his family has the luxury to forget and move on. He lives with his choice everyday.

Obviously, it is ironic that he would be upset about Obama telling fathers to be more accountable to their children. Sounds to me like Mr. Jackson has some inner turmoil going on.

To interpret him positively would be to say he is a conflicted but ultimately honorable man who may be haunted by the demons of his tumultuous beginnings, having also been born out of wedlock and into poverty himself.

A negative slant would be that he is a big, hypocritical slut (sorry, I think this word should be de-feminized) who can't keep it in his pants and found the best way to curry favor with the public was to come clean - both when the news of his affair/child broke and now. First rule of PR is to acknowledge wrongdoing and then indicate what steps are being taken to remedy the situation. (And btw, America never gets tired of this routine.)

Of course the "truth" is somewhere in the middle.

Heh heh

2008-07-05T14:34:00.000-04:00

Telemarketing outsourced to India?

2008-07-01T15:21:00.002-04:00

Sitting here at a large US corporation, I just got a call from a telemarketer asking to speak with my HR department. Generally this is not remarkable.

In this specific instance, it was however. I'm pretty sure the call came from India - you all know the telltale clues - the accent combined with the hum of a large call center in the background.

I can't prove it on just this one example (though I'm sure a quick Google search would help), but I'll speculate that telemarketing has now been outsourced, too.

The Secret to Happiness is...

2008-06-24T18:52:00.001-04:00

Downward social comparison.

Discuss

Martin Luther King, "Why I Am Opposed to the War in Vietnam"

2008-04-08T10:18:00.000-04:00

Age

2008-04-07T22:08:00.002-04:00

It's where we're all headed. It's what brought me to this blog. Yet we're afraid of it.

Why are we afraid of the old? I see the young all the time, but the old are often kept inside. We don't bring them out to play - they aren't part of the fabric of our daily life.

Is it the vulnerability? A reminder of our own frailty? Of the reality of our very precarious existence? The old, the slow and the chronically ill... how do they make you feel when you see them?

I'm guilty of this fear, especially lately. It's very personal - I am not untouched ...

I guess I feel like thinking about your own mortality is can be horrifying if you don't already have a philosophy to address the difference between life and death. Maybe that's why we don't want to go there in our minds.

Perhaps we have lost sight of the value of the old. I don't understand all the forces that have made this so but I want to die in community, a society even, that values the old. I don't want to be cast aside or isolated during my wait to die.

Giddy on Life Over Death Day (for some of us)

2008-03-23T22:59:00.002-04:00

I'm giddy, though it's slightly subdued due to a chocolate Easter bunny induced sugar crash - I just sent my first invoice ever to my first client ever.

Neat milestone in the first year of Decade Four. Me likey.

-Happy Day of Remembering That Which is Spiritually Significant to You or Your Particular Religious Persuasion or Lack Thereof.

Do me a favor (random peeve)

2008-03-21T17:03:00.002-04:00

If you live in a condo or apartment complex and have a deck, don't grill on it. One of my pet peeves is idiots starting fires.

Is this post out of left field?

Yes.

Do I care?

No.

Fa fa fa fa... this one's for the francophiles

2008-03-11T22:52:00.002-04:00

Why Is Prostitution Illegal?

2008-03-11T11:17:00.002-04:00

So, in light of Elliot Spitzer's recent foibles, Slate wrote this article. A couple of years ago I read Callgirl: Confessions of an Ivy League Lady of Pleasure and I came away feeling very strongly that prostitution should be legalized.

No one really seemed interested in debating the topic with me, probably because most of my peers aren't terribly scandalized by the thought of prostitution.

So, this Slate article, "Why Is Prostitution Illegal" made me feel a bit like I was finally having a chat with someone about the issue. It takes a relatively even-handed look at the subject while remaining short and easily digested.

Enjoy

Interesting headline in front of me given the last post...

2008-02-17T18:48:00.003-05:00

Not that Amtrak is run by the Port Authority of NY but the guy sitting across from me is reading the WSJ and the headline right in my face says:

"Train pulls out on new corner of debt market

Auction-rate securities failing to draw bidders; a toll on port authority"

On the train...

2008-02-17T18:08:00.004-05:00

So, I try to keep a good attitude but at the moment I think a word about something is appropriate.

I love Amtrak don't get me wrong but in this case their service is well, a disservice. I've finally managed to procure a seat in the food car after boarding the train an hour ago. Now, it doesn't bother me that I didn't get a seat I paid about $100 for but in the case of the family sitting nearby I'd have to say they really deserve to be as pissed as the mother seems to be. Basically, the poor woman, her husband and her probably age 7 daughter have a seat finally, but it's in the food car.

What if they had been traveling with and an elderly person? A sick person maybe?

It seems the conductor has gone out of his way to accommodate the family but of course his options are limited. I feel bad for them but I would've been pretty pissed if it was me. Ah well, maybe it's just another side effect of the shrinking economy.

Maybe we'll send our jobs to economies with cheaper labor and then one day they'll give us the gift of train travel a la their style?

I very much support globalization but I believe domestic macro capitalistic powers (I won't pretend to be an economist here - that is a term I made up and understand ... sorry if it doesn't mean anything to you ...) anyway... will show the true value, or lack thereof, of the American dollar through their increasingly poor delivery of services and goods.

So I believe wealth is leaving the United States... can't prove it... just a hunch (hello rising price and diminishing supply of oil, weakening dollar, increasing cost of real estate...)

I can't claim original thought on these ideas... I'm heavily influenced by a few sources - a book called "The World is Flat", a documentary called "The End of Suburbia" and a few others as well as some other context clues derived from watching the world...

Dunno... just a thought...

On the road...

2008-02-16T16:06:00.004-05:00

Okay, here's something I've always wanted to do - blog while moving. Yup blog while in transit and so have I fulfilled one of those goals right here and now. As I thee write, I'm chinatown busing it from Philly to NYC. I wish I had a pic to show you but I'm so excited about the blogging I can't stop for a second to take a photo my dear pups.

So, as each year has passed since graduating college I've become increasingly cautious and prone to worry. Thus, I became less and less likely to take such things as transportation that is probably run without insurance. However, being away from my day-to-day routine takes me out of the cycle of worry and thus when my dear pal suggested taking the C-town bus because it was quicker and cheaper than the alternative Greyhound, I didn't really hesitate.

We said our quick and half-sorrowful good-bye on the street (we know we'll see each other soon but of course we want to hang out and chat forever- but I have a mere weekend and some partying in NYC to do and she has play to act in) and so we part. Her boyfriend, whom I've just met, grabs me a cab and off I go.

I thought my cab driver might kill me because he had a tendency to... well, how should I say it? Mmmmm, bark. Yes, he was much the barker.

"WHERE?!!?!" He growled deeply.

"11th and Cherry" I bleated.

"CHERRY?!?!" He growled even more deep and ferocious.

I really couldn't tell if he was deaf, raging or mean.

"READY?!?" He boomed, staring straight ahead.

"yes" I said, very much doubting the truth of my response.

And so we were off. Miraculously I arrived at my destination, which proceeded to perplex me, even if only momentarily. I was on the corner of two streets in Philly's Chinatown, but there didn't appear to be any buses. But soldier on I did once I observed the half Chinese half English sign for the Cherry bus (I laugh here at my soccer mom self, like I've never been by myself in the city before - what is more, like I've ever been a soccer mom before :)

I go in to buy the ticket but there doesn't seem to be anyone behind the counter in the near empty room with just a few old office chairs strewn about the once white linoleum floor. Suddenly, a Chinese kid about age 15, started asking, "New York" to the few who had gathered inside and just outside the door. "Come on," he said. "We have to go down the street."

No one hesitated, they all just followed. So, I did too. What can you do? Down the sidewalk, behind the building, to the right an open van full of boxes with plastic hanging out, to the left, a parking lot of broken down cars. We keep going up yet another small parking lot behind another set of buildings, and there's a bus at the end - he let me pay once I got on - no big deal. "One way?" He asked and yet also told me. Not sure how he knew I was going one way only...

And, so I'm on the bus. Just a few moments ago, at a gas stop, the driver asked the eight or so of us on this bus, exactly where we are going. And once he took a tally, which at first I think confused everyone, he decided where he was going to stop. I can hear him now yammering away in Chinese on his wireless headset as he protectively delivers us to the city.

This is far better than those Peter Pan bus drivers who used to bark at me in college for bringing a slice of pizza on the bus. No rules about talking on your cell phone, no need to print out your ticket beforehand, or really to even have one at all. I can spread out over two seats (or four if I really wanted - the bus is only 1/8 full - I get free Chinese lessons the whole way there - The couple next to me chatters happily about visiting Ground Zero... it's pretty good. And all this for just ten bucks.

Hola my people

2008-02-06T23:27:00.000-05:00

What's on the brain today... mm.. well, there has been some positive kismet floating around me lately which is strange but welcome.

Like, I mused the other day I thought that I would like some flowers for my office and the next day my colleague brought in potted plants for all. It died a week or so later unfortunately.... luckily I didn't kill my boss's fish while she was traveling though...

Also, recently got together with some friends I lurve...
I had wished for my computer to be more robust and 20 minutes later I was asked by our ops coordinator if I would like to be the first to have my computer upgraded (course then my IT person never showed for our appt... but this detracts from my story :)

Something else happened... oh, a client reappeared for a challenging project I'd love to work on... meeting later this week...

Found a cheap train ticket to visit a friend in Philly
Wished for a trip and got one - to Toronto - DSF's co flew me to his location instead of bringing him home - that was fun
Got up the guts to ask a writer if I could ghost-write something... that's ballsy - I haven't even had an article published yet - who cares! I can learn :) (it's on the culture of oversharing no less... hmmm, what do I know about that?)
After getting slightly harassed AT THE POLLS by an immature college student for my voting choice, my candidate won my state in the primary - SHOCKER - I thought I was the lone supporter - apparently not :)

Had someone post on the blog about law school advice a few days ago - that was really something - I wasn't prepared for feeling connected to their pain - I hope they muddle their way out of the pain of that experience -

Anyway, I should be sleeping and DSF just walked in so I think I might connect with another human real time (even if he's breaking my peaceful vibe by being chatty.. I'll grant him this I guess :)

Ah... he's in the WC ... I have another moment with you dear reader!!! This whole "culture of oversharing" concept that I've just heard of is pretty interesting. While I've oft considered myself to be an egregious Oversharer, I think I might be way more reserved than a lot of other blogging counterparts - for one thing, unless I've sent you the link to my blog, you probably don't know my name .... I haven't told you EVERYTHING everything....

okay.. more on that later.

night!

Mideast press & George Bush's visit

2008-01-13T14:51:00.000-05:00

This source is similar to the last posting but gives a few more examples of what media in various mid-east countries are saying about Stoopid's visit to the region.

Mideast Media Cool on Bush Tour

BBC Monitoring Newsfile - Jan

This is a compilation of broadcast and press material on US President George Bush's trip to the Middle East, available to BBC Monitoring by 1500 gmt on 11 January 2008.

Summary

As US President George Bush moved his tour of the Middle East on to the Gulf States on 11 January, regional media coverage of his visit to Israel and the Palestinian territories, as well as his trip in general, on the whole remained negative in its tone.

Palestinian commentators appeared to be satisfied on the whole with Bush's statements outlining his ideas for an Israeli- Palestinian settlement, although expressed concern over whether he would be able to guarantee an equitable deal in the face of Israeli opposition.

Opinion in the wider Arabic-speaking Middle East was much more critical. In particular Bush's suggestion that Palestinians renounce their claim to right to return to Israel was greeted with hostility and accusations of continued US bias towards Israel.

The Israeli press was divided in its assessment; some commentators were well-disposed towards Bush's ideas for peace, although one expressed dismay at the US president's demand for a Palestinian state based on the 1967 borders.

Commenting on Bush's trip to the Gulf States, newspapers in the region voiced hostility about US arms deals.

PALESTINIAN PRESS

Palestinian press commentators remained hopeful overall following President Bush's visit to the West Bank on 11 January. Most continued to praise Bush for his advocacy of a two-state solution, although some warned him that the US would have to remain vigilant to prevent Israeli resistance from eroding its substance. However, one writer accused Bush of selling the Palestinians "illusions and tranquillizers", while a pro-Hamas paper simply dismissed him as a "clown".

MORE

Hmm, Israeli and Palestinian press lukewarm on Bush's visit

2008-01-13T13:54:00.000-05:00

Why am I not surprised? Here the BBC draws on a number of different press sources within Palestine and Israel to show that they are not necessarily feeling confident about the peace vision our Clown in Chief has been shopping around the region these past few days.

Press lukewarm on Bush Mideast vision

As President George Bush moves to Kuwait on the next stop of his Middle East tour, Palestinian and Israeli newspapers scrutinize the vision he presented on Thursday for a Palestinian state alongside Israel.

Palestinian commentators argue that the US must play an active monitoring role if the plan is to have any chance of success; a pro-Hamas paper dismisses the president as a "clown".

In Israel, one daily welcomes the Bush statement but warns against confusing rhetoric with reality, while others stress that the hard work is only just beginning.

HAFITH AL-BARGHOUTHI IN PALESTINIAN AL-HAYAT AL-JADIDAH

Israel's understanding of the vision will destroy it, through its requests and stalling. If President Bush wants his vision to succeed, he will have to go ahead with it without allowing the Israelis to affect it in such a way that this state would become an Israeli protectorate.

HASAN AL-BATAL IN PALESTINIAN AL-AYYAM

We do not know if Mr Bush has left us with a different point of view after visiting... However, once he departs, his vision will reach the phase where the US must serve as an arbitrator, which means that it will monitor both sides to see if they are implementing the roadmap.

AHMAD DAHBUR IN PALESTINIAN AL-HAYAT AL-JADIDAH

It is no problem for George Bush to give us a prescription from his pharmacy of illusions and tranquilizers by saying that a Palestinian state will be established before the end of his term at the end of the year. But how can anyone establish a building on pillars of salt and in the middle of a rainstorm?

MUSTAFA AL-SAWWAF IN PALESTINIAN FILASTIN

George Bush appeared nothing less than a clown during the press conference with his Palestinian counterpart Mahmud Abbas. He was extremely belittling in an attempt to cover up the great failure of their meeting, caused by his inability to present anything to the Palestinians. His jests might have made some people laugh, but they also made others cry at the extent of his criminality and lying.

CALEV BEN-DAVID IN ISRAEL'S JERUSALEM POST

Bush is to be commended for his sincere belief in the power of a vision of peace... During his time in the White House, though, he has sometimes confused rhetoric with reality... It's nice, and right, to dream, especially of peace. But as the US president saw this week in Jerusalem, sometimes the skies here are not blue.

NADAV HAETZNI IN ISRAEL'S MAARIV

George Bush arrived here to make certain that in accordance with his "vision" we will cut ourselves to the end... The truth is that today we, as close friends of Bush and his sect, are called upon to pay the price of the grave mistakes Bush committed during his years of rule.

ISRAEL'S HAARETZ

Bush's visit extricated the negotiations from the mud in which they had sunk... It will be a test for Bush: Will he make do with pretty pronouncements about a brighter future or will he play a determined, serious role in making it happen?

NAHUM BARNEA IN ISRAEL'S YEDIOT AHARONOT

From Bush's point of view the evacuation of the illegal settlement outposts is a matter of credibility. Two prime ministers committed themselves to dismantling the outposts. It seems Olmert is aware that he must go for evacuating one illegal settlement and do so by force.

BBC Monitoring selects and translates news from radio, television, press, news agencies and the internet from 150 countries in more than 70 languages. It is based in Caversham, UK, and has several bureaux abroad.

I find this problematic

2008-01-13T13:13:00.000-05:00

Saudis Behead Indonesian Maid

RIYADH, Saudi Arabia (AP) -- Saudi authorities on Saturday beheaded an Indonesian maid convicted of killing her employer, the Interior Ministry announced.

In a statement carried by the official Saudi Press Agency, the ministry said the maid used a pillow to suffocate her employer Aisha Al Makhaled and then stole her jewelry in the southern province of Asir.

Saudi Arabia follows a strict interpretation of Islam under which those convicted of murder, drug trafficking, rape and armed robbery are executed in public with a sword.

The maid is the second person to be executed this year in the desert kingdom, according to an Associated Press count.

Saudi Arabia beheaded 137 people last year, up sharply from the 38 in 2006.

Hmm, where to start? My main issue is really the beheading part. And, while I don't recommend murdering one's employer, I'm against the death penalty if you've happened to do so. But a death penalty by beheading? That is just a bit too much for me to take. Also, I smell a slight rat when a maid is on trial for murder.

"Hmm, how can I have a better life? I know, I'll journey from Indonesia to the human rights loving land of Saudi Arabia and get a job doing the most menial work I can find to ensure that if any trouble befalls me, I won't have any legals rights to protect myself with. Once I've managed to get into that position in the least xenophobic of nations, I'll murder my wealthy Saudi employer who may have powerful friends just motivated enough to behead me."

And, yikes, they beheaded 137 people last year? And she's the second one to be beheaded in 2008? Where have I been? I once again appreciate that in this chaotic universe my female life exists in a land where women are afforded legal protections, the right to own property and an education.

Oh human rights ... may you one day be available to all.

George Bush in the Middle East

2008-01-11T17:32:00.000-05:00

For awhile now I've envied people who seem to have volumes and volumes of current events and other political data stored in their heads. I marvel at their capacity to take one small fact and link it back to a profound understanding of greater political strategy.

But me, the only thing I'm consistently good at in this genre is conspiracy theorism, only inasmuch as it puts a sinister spin on the goings-on of my least favorite people, of course. And wouldn't cha know, I just happened to find some fodder for my sensationlist ways. The subject is one of my favorite buffoons, Monsieur Le President des Etats-Unis (accent marks omitted) Georgie Porgie.

Here is a map referenced in an article by Le Monde that shows where His Most Esteemed is chillin' these days. Today he is in Israel, yesterday in Palestine and so on and so forth in his multi-day itinerary in the Middle East.

I wonder what he's up to?

Anyone?

Pleasantly surprised: A Mighty Heart

2008-01-03T22:39:00.000-05:00

Whoa did I cry.

This movie was sort of like a docu-drama but not in the vapid, over-acted type of way. I've admired Angelina Jolie's humanitarian pursuits for awhile now but not really her acting. Naturally, I wasn't expecting much from the acting in this movie. At the risk of propping up your expectations, I would say that she was quite good and brought depth Marianne Pearl's character. Most of the time, I don't think she transcends her celebrity enough for the audience to forget she is Angelina and actually get lost in the film. Though when your talking about crap like Tomb Raider and Beowulf, I'm not sure the audience really cares. (NB: I really liked her acting/hated her character in Girl Interrupted) Anyway, I think she is pretty successful in this film about doing just that, transcending - I only thought, "Hey look, it's a wig and pregnant belly wearing Angelina" a handful of times.

The rest of the film on the other hand was really great. I expected a drama and while there was quite a bit, naturally, given the subject matter, I think the storytelling was well done. I really appreciate when filmmakers are able to make you feel like you're experiencing a story in the way it really happened. Some find such films boring or possessing an erratic pace, but that's exactly what I love. Life is often just like that, erratic and messy, not neat, tidy and in ordnung like we want or imagine it to be in our visions of "one day."

The film is really the story of how things unravelled from the first moments when Marianne began to suspect Daniel had gone missing through to the tragic outcome. A lot of detail on the investigation is provided throughout and the whole kidnapper plot was actually quite complex, something I hadn't before appreciated. I actually felt like I got a feel for Pakistan I hadn't ever been exposed to as nearly the entire movie takes place there. I was also quite impressed by how resourceful Marianne was as well as how sophisticated her psychological state was during and after the frenzy to find her husband.

Oddly, though it was deeply sad, the film left me with an inspired sense of calm that I hadn't anticipated.

I came, I saw, I failed. Happy New Year.

2008-01-02T13:15:00.000-05:00

In light of an article I just read regarding failure, I'd like you all to know something.

The article says that you should just accept your failures. Flat out. Accept them because there is nothing you can really do about them anyway. Accept them and learn from them for the next challenging event. The author, a life coach, asserts that the primary difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is that successful people fail more. Huh. Hadn't thought of it that way. (Also brings to mind evaluating the meaning of 'sucess' but of course being too detail-oriented will prevent me from making any point at all so we'll move on.) On a side note though, I have always thought you should try for things that you want. The way I see it, you might fail, but you for damn sure aren't going to get something you don't try for.

One of my favorite "failers" is Abe Lincoln. What a major failer. Click here for a list of his failures. But of course, we don't remember him for this. It's something like a war or freedom or something that he is known for ;)

Okay, so we've established failure is okay, worth accepting and maybe even good. So, what's mine? Well, I failed out of law school. I FAILED OUT OF LAW SCHOOL.

Failed, failed, failed .... bad grades, dismissed, crying, why me!, ... that kind of failed.

Failed.

Yup. Never made it past the first year. I accept.

It's been some time since this happened ... 2004 if you're wondering. I think I've accepted bits of it since that time. And I may even have accepted all of it since it seems I'm comfortable putting it out there. Now that I'm over it, mostly, the one thing I beat myself up over still is that I didn't get over it sooner! Ha. Maybe I should accept that failure too.

Now, here's another failure. I've been fired. TWICE!!

So that's why she's a stay at home blogger! Actually at the moment, I'm not - so Ha! My bank account is actually quite fat right now because of the work that I've been doing and I like it that way!!

So, there, I've failed. And I'm still standing. And, though I'm not sure I agree with "that which does not kill you makes you stronger" or "things happen for a reason" (because they don't), if you want to overcome failure you can. But you have to choose to do so.

So, suck it up, deal and move on, that's what I say. Happy New Year :)

The Bad Touch

2007-12-28T22:20:00.000-05:00

This is some seriously important shit. I love the holidays because they allow me to go back to that special time when fucking around is what it's all about. In homage to just that here are some fine lads giving back to society.

Reason #11,999,221 why I love the French

2007-12-20T10:59:00.000-05:00

I just got this gorgeous email from the Paris office of the co where I'm working.....

Why aren't we doing something as environmentally friendly and beautiful as that eh?

Domesticity

2007-12-14T17:15:00.000-05:00

I'm attempting to come to terms with banality of domesticity. I am. I don't have much of a choice in the matter now do I.

Scenes from a Storm

2007-12-13T20:24:00.001-05:00

Wintry Bumblebee

I don't even know where to start! The snow has turned me into a puffy, well-insulated nut running about Boston. I've been inspired to snap pictures all around the city - I don't even know how to begin describing the various encounters that have resulted.

First was the equally well-insulated, seemingly homeless man who was not too happy with me when he surmised he may have ended up in one of my pictures. He was yelling at me from down the street as he approached. There were a few other people around so I assumed he was yelling to them. As he got closer (and as I continued to take shots) it became apparent he was yelling at me.

" 'EY!" he hollered, dressed in midnight blue snowsuit-like puffiness and work boots, carrying a few grungy grocery bags in one hand... "CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?!!!" I turned and looked over my shoulder and back at him again. Not really able to see much with my gigantic furry black hood obscuring most of my peripheral and forward vision... "CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING" he dared confront from the center of the snowy street to me on the sidewalk.

I looked at him and lowered my camera. "WHY R U TAKIN' MY PITCHR?" Yelled the homeless Mr. T ... again.

"I wasn't." I said flatly.

"LEMME ASS YOU A QUESTION. WHY YOU TAKIN' MY PICTHR. YOU SHOULDN'T DO DAT!"

"Sir, " I said matter-of-factly, " I did not take a picture of you. I took a picture of the snow."

"TEN TEN ROUND AGAIN. I'M GUNNA FUCK YOU UP!"

Hmm I thought. He's rhyming. Time to leave. And so I spun about my heel and tromped merrily down the street, only looking over my shoulder once!

Here he is, such a lovely man...

Homeless Mr. T 'n Me

And then there were the happy lesbians. I was just standing there minding my own business filming the traffic jam on the corner. The lights had changed, oh, I dunno, four.. maybe five times to no avail for those poor gas guzzling oil addicted saps sitting in their idling automobiles cursing mother nature and their lack of control over her and all the natural resources she so lovingly gives... BUT I DIGRESS!!!

Anyhoo, the scene was a relatively calm one given the circumstances, and then the ladies with comfortable shoes and no hair exited the door of their sidewalk-side apartment, took a look around and, with hands on bulky hips, proudly and loudly declared, "We live here! Haahaa, we don't have to go anywhere!" I mentioned my role in the scene and invited them to show their pride in my video... Enjoy!!!

(NB: the vid is a little long - note the traffic lights ...)

A few moments later while shuffling down the sidewalk I tipped my head down to brush the snow off the top of my hood when suddenly at my feet another set appeared, coming in the opposite direction!
"Oh," I exclaimed and looked up, drawing my ginourmous hood back a few centimeters.
"Girl!! You better watch where you're going!" Said a uh ... gentleman a few years younger than myself.
"Oh! I'm sorry!! " I sort of half laughed and shrugged.
"Girl you better look where yuh going." He stopped. "You look good ... but you better watch yusself."
Uh... awwwkward.... I feel awkward!!
"You look real good girl" he said slowly this time.
Okay! Time to go -run!!! And so again I spun around and I scurried off ...

And then there were the sitings. Like this one. No, it isn't a wintry action flic being filmed. This is the DPW man stuck, plow, sand truck and all, in the snow. Why he had to get on top of his truck to remedy the situation I don't quite understand. Be stand on his truck he did. The best part was when some winter plebe tried to back up too close and the very deep voiced Mr. DPW started yelling from atop his perch, hands all a waive,

"Don't hit my truck! Yuh too damn close! Y'ain't gunna make it!

Doghn't hit my friggin truck!! "

A final parting shot ...

Lord knows when I think of Mother Nature and all of her abundance, I think ...

Hey hey didja miss me?

2007-12-08T23:34:00.000-05:00

Though I frequently daydream about moving out of Boston to somewhere more exciting (I know I know, how could this be possible?!), the recent discovery of some Boston-centric YouTube clips made me realize I do in fact have some sort of connection to the city. My suspicion is my fulfillment comes from merely knowing there are other people in the world who find watching others to be as engrossing as I do.

This clip captures a beautiful moment when the path of two Boston personalities serendipitously cross ... Hector, who I assume is a war vet, has basically scared the shit out me numerous times - one of his frequent haunts is the end of a street I used to live on -

I wouldn't seem him, sitting there and suddenly loud machine gun noises would blast out of a dark doorway - startling me just as I happened to be walking by - and there he would be in his own little world - maybe he was channeling the crazy to scare unsuspecting passersby ...

Louie, well, just listen closely 'cause you can hear Louie before you see him...

Thanksgiving Kaboodle

2007-11-28T22:30:00.000-05:00

A few cute videos from Thanksgiving - DSF's sister has the cutest Magnadoodle - no wait, SnickerPoodle - aw shucks, pretty sure it's actually Malty Poo (or is that a stinky poo?). Anyway, here he is and he is sure snuggly...

Up Close with CheeseDoodle

Coming atcha fast

One more time, a bit more slowly

Thinking of Those Less Fortunate on Thanksgiving

2007-11-20T10:38:00.000-05:00

A photographer for the Associated Press has been held in Irag for over a year and it appears the US Military will seek criminal charges against him. The thing is, those charged with defending him still don't know what he is going to be charged with so they can't come up with a defense.

Here is the story from the Associated Press on this outrageous case.

New Job = Less Time for Blogging

2007-11-19T23:10:00.000-05:00

So I'm on this new project gig and haven't been able to do the posting I would like. It's tuff! I get these great thoughts to share, or see something interesting online but then usually I'm in the office and can't dedicate the time.

Well, that doesn't mean I won't stop trying.

To all of you secular holiday celebrators, I wish you a happy time. May we all be relatively stress free.

Wired: Saddest Cubicle Contest

2007-11-19T10:00:00.000-05:00

Oh, what a sad state of affairs for these people!! Take a look at the "Winners" ...

Winners of the Wired News Saddest-Cubicle Contest

Another good one

2007-11-12T21:29:00.000-05:00

Berimbau

Sing Along with Stevie!!!

2007-11-12T21:18:00.000-05:00

Isn't She Lovely

(click and listen)

... and no, I'm not talking about me you cad! :)

--- ---- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Isnt she lovely
Isnt she wonderfull
Isnt she precious
Less than one minute old
I never thought through love wed be
Making one as lovely as she
But isnt she lovely made from love

Isnt she pretty
Truly the angels best
Boy, Im so happy
We have been heaven blessed
I cant believe what God has done
Through us hes given life to one
But isnt she lovely made from love

Isnt she lovely
Life and love are the same
Life is aisha
The meaning of her name
Londie, it could have not been done
Without you who conceived the one
Thats so very lovely made from love

Tamales anyone?

2007-11-10T17:46:00.001-05:00

Screw the Hollywood writers... This is how a protest is done!

.... NAKED!!!

Find more videos like this on www.truveo.com.

(Try this link if the above one doesn't work)

NeatO - Hot Spots in Boston

2007-11-10T12:01:00.000-05:00

Though I'm not sure how, my websurfing today landed me on this site, bostonwag.org.

This page lists public hotspots in Boston that do not charge for internet access. Granted, I don't know how you would look this up and know to go there if you didn't already have a internet access but what the hey, maybe it will be useful to someone.

Rogue Posting

2007-11-02T15:45:00.000-04:00

SHHHH !!!! I've got this new project gig - at a huge company and I'm pretty sure the internet policy expressly forbids me to do things like THIS! Posting!!

It's me versus the corporate man!! hahahahahah!

oh no! I must go!! I hear footsteps!!

Until the next post! Live long and prosper!

Vive la Celine!

2007-10-30T23:00:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I've never seen this video before - so Passionate! So Dramatic! So... Over the Top!

Eh, so what. I love drama.

Enjoy.

Happiness is Psychoanalysis

2007-10-29T10:12:00.000-04:00

This morning's topic: Weddings, Engagement, et al.

Since I became engaged, it hasn't all been bliss and budding roses. The first words out of my mouth when DSF presented me with the ring and proposal were, "It's so pretty!" but that wasn't the whole story. I was critical of the ring, even though I was quick to accept and put it on my finger. I felt happy that such a kind man would want to marry me but ...

(MAKE SURE YOU HAVE HEADPHONES ON IF YOU WATCH THIS AT WORK.)

Other things along the way have given me pause and made me question what the hell is going on here. Marriage? Me? Child of multiple times divorced parents? Me, who hates working full-time but doesn't really want to groom herself to be a stay-at-home mom either? Me, who, at this moment would rather hop on a plane to anywhere, just because that's what I like to do, rather than pick out curtain colors for my living room? Oh and by the way, I don't even feel guilty about not wanting to be a homebody - so now how are they going to keep me down if I don't even feel guilty??? Huh??!!

And what the hell is marriage anyway? I felt like an outsider to marriage. Could someone like me, from a "broken home" really be successful at this? I hate to stay in once place, physically even, so how could I stay in a marriage? The slightest things make me feel like a caged animal so... you get the point.

And what about all the other nuts in my life? I have something like five parents depending on your interpretation. It took me until this weekend to realize I will never have healthy normal relationships with them. If I can't do that, how can I have a marriage?

But I beat a dead horse. Clearly, I have doubts, issues, baggage, etc etc etc.

So, where is all of this going?

Well, for once I feel like some resolution is coming my way. Some answers even. An open discussion at the very least. Engagement and all of the things f'd up things that come with it like a sense of loss, fear, anger and confusion are ... dare I say... NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YES! ME! I JUST MIGHT BE ... NORMAL!!!!

Where did I get hold of such scandalous information? Well, friends. Ah thank God himself for friends. Lord knows my family hasn't stepped up to help in this discussion.

"The Conscious Bride" is a book I haven't yet read but a mere hour or so reading articles on the website, consciousweddings.com has already addressed a number of emotions I've been feeling FOR A YEAR. How can something this obvious have escaped me for so long?

One of the ways the site breaks down all of these issues is to talk about the core group of people involved in the wedding and the emotional transition that each of them has to go through during the marriage process: Bride, Groom and their respective Mothers.

Here are a few of my favorite excerpts:

For the Mother of the Bride:
Furthermore, becoming conscious means that you recognize that not only is the wedding clearly a rite of passage for the bride, but it is also a rite of passage for the mother of bride. A daughter's wedding is often a time when the mother faces her own mortality and realizes that she is moving into the next phase of life. Jungian psychoanalyst Marion Woodman talks about the three phases of a woman's life: maiden, mother, elder. When a woman marries, she is letting go of her identity of maiden and moving toward mother. When a daughter marries, her mother is letting go of her identity of mother and moving toward the next identity. How do these statements resonate for you? Are you aware that you may be moving into a new phase of life? What feelings does this elicit?

For the Mother of the Groom:
The truth is that embedded in this great joy of human life there is also an element of loss. Your son has found a woman with whom he feels called to share the partnership of marriage. He has found a woman who meets his heart's desires and challenges him to reach his potential as a man. Even if the reasons are not readily apparent to you (and they can easily become clouded by your own feelings), the fact remains that your son is making the choice to marry. And with this choice comes the realization that there is another woman in his life that will assume number one priority. On some level, your son is separating from you so that he can transfer his allegiance onto his wife. On some level, he is saying goodbye. And, on some level, you are feeling this pain and sense of loss around this separation.

For the Bride:
Which brings me to my second point: beware of the tendency to focus your anxious energy on your fiancé. Oh, how easy it is to make your fiancé the target of all of your uncomfortable feelings. After all, he¹s the reason why you¹re in this predicament (engaged) to be begin with! When you find yourself focusing most of your negative thoughts on your partner, you know that he¹s become the target, the projection screen, for your own grief and fear. Again, take a moment to step back, name what¹s happening "I¹m projecting onto my fiancé again" and pull out your journal, call a friend, or write a post anything to pull the energy off of your partner and onto yourself.

For the Bride:
A rite of passage also involves fear. For many women, the sadness about leaving a singlehood identity is dwarfed by the fear of marriage and commitment. Questions circle their mind like plane waiting to land. Questions like: What does it means to be married? What in the world is a wife these days? What if my husband cheats on me? What if I cheat on him? What if it doesn't work out and we divorce? But these fears have no place to land because our culture does not encourage women to feel fear before their wedding? So what happens? The fear is suppressed, she distracts through the planning, and she finds herself spinning into anxiety a few days before, or on, her wedding day. She doesn't know that fear is a normal and necessary part of her transition. How could she not feel terrified when she's stepping into the unknown?

I still have quite a bit more reading to do. There is, however, a sense of relief starting to spread over those strange internal brews I've been experiencing alone and in reaction to others, who themselves, have been transitioning through their own emotions. I've had about fifty zillion AHA moments in just a few short pages.... No wonder this process is so painful - everybody is experiencing a different loss at the same time.

Ahhh sweet relief and a calm belly......... well, until the next transition anyway...

Marcel DuChamp: Le Passage de la Vierge à la Mariée

Life, it's all about managing the transitions...

Cat

2007-10-27T16:30:00.001-04:00

Cranky Pants McGoo or Glass Half Empty Day

2007-10-27T15:57:00.001-04:00

I'm cranky today. :(

Still obsessed with Te Lo Agradezco (below) - just spent the last hour pouring over each syllable to perfect pronounciation/timing/lyrics, etc... Type A anyone? I just can't tolerate loving a song and not being able to sing each part of every word.

Anywhooo, I'm totally not feeling Halloween. At All. I was so into my costume last year but this year.............. can't even pretend I care. Not wanting to join in the Outslut The Next Slut Costume Game (a.k.a. Pick A Theme, Make It Slutty And BAM! You've Got A Female Costume) thought about us dressing up as Night and Day ... felt much I like I should've graduated from an all girls college to come up with that one. DSF wasn't exactly into that one, though not as opposed to the Spice Girls costume idea I had floated for him. Another one I thought of for myself was to carry a garden hoe with a 99 cent tag - voila Cheap Hoe without all the ass-freezing, fishnets and high-heels for a body that should probably be a little more demurely dressed... I nixed busting out my past years' costumes again (Wonder Woman and 80's Madonna... is there something going on with me that slutty was Oh so fab for me in the past but now... not so much?)

None of these seemed to happened though. And now even buying an insta-costume means fighting crowds for a place that I wrote a review for... the line is down the street :(

Ohhhhh what to do. My problems are sooooo important. Pooooor me.......

Ugh, my phone is buzzing, probably someone who wants me to get into the Halloween spirit. Maybe I should go as a bubonic, puss covered, bloodsucking zombie.

Alejandro Sanz

2007-10-25T11:16:00.000-04:00

I know this song isn't particularly new but I just loooooooove it... and perhaps Alejandro too ;)

I've posted the lyrics below in both Spanish and English.

Lyrics

Te Lo Agradezco, Pero No

Acércate que a lo mejor
no te das cuenta que mi amor
no es para siempre
porque hay noches que se apagan cuando duermes
díselo a tu corazón
no habrá mas fuente de dolor
no digas que no pienso en ti
no hago otra cosa que pensar
acércate un poco más
no tengas miedo a la verdad

que hay cuando llegue la mañana y salga el sol
tú volverás a mi lado y gano yo
y ahora vete, vete, vete, vete
vete y pásatelo bien, por nosotros dos

no, corazón

te lo agradezco pero no
te lo agradezco mira niña pero no
yo ya logré dejarte aparte
no hago otra cosa que olvidarte
te lo agradezco pero no
te lo agradezco mira niña pero no
te lo agradezco corazón

pero no, tú sabes bien que
Acércate un poco más
no ves que el tiempo se nos va
da rienda suelta a lo que sientes
si no lo haces mala suerte
porque al final, si no lo ves
puede que no me escuches, pero lo diré
que hay, cuando salga el sol y llegue la mañana
yo volveré a tu lado, a tu lado con más ganas

y ahora, vete, vete, vete, vete

vete y pásatelo bien, por los dos

te lo agradezco pero no
te lo agradezco mira niña pero no
yo ya logré dejarte aparte
no hago otra cosa que olvidarte
te lo agradezco pero no
te lo agradezco mira niña pero no
yo ya logré dejarte aparte
no hago otra cosa que olvidarte

tengo conciencia del daño que te hice
pero al mismo tiempo no me siento responsable
de lo que pudiste pensar que fue coraje
no fue nada más que el miedo, miedo

te lo agradezco pero no
te lo agradezco mira niña pero no
yo ya logré dejarte aparte
no hago otra cosa que olvidarte
te lo agradezco pero no
te lo agradezco mira niña pero no
yo ya logré dejarte aparte
no hago otra cosa que olvidarte

no hago otra cosa que olvidarte corazón
por la mañana temprano y luego en las tarde, en la noche

cuando estoy en el vacilón,
no puedo na más que olvidarte, corazón
te lo agradezco
te lo agradezco pero no
te lo agradezco mira niña pero no
yo ya logré dejarte aparte
no hago otra cosa que olvidarte

te lo agradezco pero no
ya te he dejado aparte
ahora ya no necesito más de ti
yo ya logré dejarte aparte
ya estoy así estoy bien corazón no me vale
que me vengas así llorando, una vez más

te lo agradezco
tus ojos lindos, tu cuerpo bello,
lo siento niña pero no
al lado mío siempre corazón,
cuando salga el sol, yo no estaré ahí,
ahora vete, vete, vete al vacilón.

Translated
(a bit rough but the best I could find ...)

Thank You, But No

Come close, that maybe
You don't realize my love
Is not forever
'Cause some nights shut down while you sleep.
Tell your heart
There will be no more sources of pain
Don't say I don't think about you
I don't do anything but thinking
Come a little closer
Don't be afraid of the truth

Ay, and when the morning comes and the sun rises
You'll come back to my side
And then I won't...
And now go, go, go, go
Go away and have a good time
For the both of us

No, baby
Thank you, but no
Look, little girl, thank you, but no
I've already left you aside
I don't do anything but forgetting you

Thank you, but no
Look, little girl, thank you, but no
(Thank you honey, but no, you know it's no)

Come a little closer
Don't you see the time is escaping from us
Unchain what you feel
If you don't, too bad
'Cause in the end, if you don't see it
It's possible that you don't listen to me
But I will say...

That 'ay', when the sun rises and the morning comes
I'll come back to your side, to your side
With more desire
And now go, go, go, go
Go away and have a good time
For the both of us

Thank you, but no
Look, little boy, thank you, but no
I've already left you aside
I don't do anything but forgetting you

Thank you, but no
Look, little boy, thank you, but no
I've already left you aside
I don't do anything but forgetting you

I am aware
Of how I've hurt you
But at the same time I don't feel responsible
For what you could think was courage
Was just fear

Thank you, but no
Look, little boy, thank you, but no
I've already left you aside
I don't do anything but forgetting you

Thank you, but no
Look, little boy, thank you, but no
I've already left you aside
I don't do anything but forgetting you..

Disturbing: Body Burden

2007-10-22T13:19:00.000-04:00

Okay, it's not disturbing that body burden testing is being conducted, but the results of such testing are disturbing. Body burden is the amount of a harmful substance that is present in a person's body.

I heard about this issue for the first time today through a report on CNN.com. I'm sure many people will be disturbed by it. The first thing I thought was, "Okay, what health implications are there for me, my future (yet to be conceived) children and my partner?" With autism and other ailments in children reaching staggering rates, I'm particularly interested in avoiding assaults to my biology that could be passed on to my children.

I tried to find places where I might be able to get such testing completed. Unfortunately, it appears this is a general impossibility short of seeking out physicians conducting research on the matter.

My next thought turned to the things I have in my home. Plastic containers, pots & pans, cleaners, cosmetics, etc etc etc. Poking around on the web resulted in some interesting finds. This tool, Skin Deep's Cosmetic Safety Database let's you search by the cosmetics you have to find out what kind of chemicals they contain. Sadly, I found that the product line I've been using for at least 10 years, Clinique, received a generally mediocre to poor score. I learned about this Campaign for Safe Cosmetics and was very disappointed to find that, even though the Compact has been signed by 600 companies, Estee Lauder (manufacturer of Clinique) has not signed the Compact. The compact can be signed by companies who meet or exceed current EU formulation standards. "Why EU standards," I asked? "What of US standards?" Well, my assumption here is that the US standards are lower. (Still working on the proof for that assumption but this reminds of me of another one of my favorite topics, the myth of the American Dream. How is it that this is still perpetuated by the way?).

Apparently, in 2003, the European Union passed an amendment prohibiting the use of carcinogens, mutagens and reproductive toxins from cosmetics. Signatories of the Compact "pledge not to use chemicals that are known or strongly suspected of causing cancer, mutation or birth defects in their products and to implement substitution plans that replace hazardous materials with safer alternatives in every market they serve." Who hasn't signed? OPI, Avon, Estee Lauder, L'Oreal, Revlon, Proctor & Gamble and Unilever.

I did discover that the Body Shop scored alright on these charts and that they signed the Compact in 2004. Serendipitously they are located a few short blocks from my apartment. Looks like I'll be ditching my beloved Clinique Stay Ivory oil-free formula in favor something a little more face friendly.

Now, about the rest of the toxins in my environment ...

More reading:
Oct 11, 2007 Boston Globe: Lead tests raise red flag for lipsticks

International Baby Day

2007-10-21T02:47:00.000-04:00

It was only a matter of time until I started posting baby videos...

Here are some global babies.

Karaoke Baby

Hollywood Baby

This one starts a little slow but gets better a the song goes on... :)

Metro Baby

Pious Baby

Jolly Baby

Brainy Baby

Alcoholic Blogger Dork

2007-10-18T23:36:00.000-04:00

Yes, that would be me. Okay, I'm not really an alcoholic but somewhere in the infinite wisdom I possess, I found it justifiable to split two bottles of wine with my former roommate last night. Effectively each drinking our own bottle.

Today has been a relative disaster. Unable to rouse myself to any passable state before 2pm, I had to cancel a hair appointment. I don't even want to go into all of the gory details of what was taking place during the time I was supposed to be getting pampered by my French stylist, Francis. ("frawn cease" for those of you who care). Suffice it to say, I only managed to be at peace with three small pieces of tofu and a quarter cup of Sprite. This modicum of success came only after I was forced to implement a tofu eating strategy. I cut small slices and ate one, slowly. Then, I set my microwave timer for ten minutes. Once a full ten minutes passed with relative calm, I gave myself permission to pursue further consumption. Like this, I managed to take 30 minutes to eat three very thin slices of tofu.

You know you're a dork when after getting sloshed on wine in a chic bar, all you want is to tell people about your blog. Ouch. That is a cold harsh reality. I was surprised to be so... committed but then again, what I love about blogging is how much you get to talk about yourself so maybe this is not so inconsistent after all.

The alcoholic part comes in the form of pissing off DSF rather profusely by insisting I speak to all passersby on the way home and ask them the all important question, "Do you think the Sox will win or lose tomorrow?" Now, I know I have a problem when I don't give a rats ass about sports and I need to talk to cab drivers and whomever else to get to the bottom of this question. The results of the survey were in favor of a loss. I'm thinking this is because people assumed I was a fan (who else but a Red Sox fan could be capable of such jackassedness right? I mean, it was a Wednesday night...). Put out by my insistence they answer the question in some fashion their answer necessitated falling on the side of whatever answer would be negative in my eyes. Maybe. Or maybe they really thought the Sox would lose.

So, though I had the brilliance to combat the nausea with Dramamine, I'm feeling rather dull now (don't you think it's ironic that the word drama is embedded in that name - like, it actually says, "Drama, mine." My drama. How fittingly ironic. What a cruel joke. Eh... I deserve it). By now you're probably thinking DSF is a saint, and you know what? I'm pretty sure he is. He even has the same birthday as Pope John Paul. Put that in your all knowing pipe and smoke it bitches.

Good Shite from Across the Pond

2007-10-17T14:36:00.001-04:00

Inneresting conflict at the crux of law, technology, and jurisdiction : US & France

2007-10-17T14:33:00.001-04:00

Universal Challenges the Legality of Deezer, a Free Streaming Website

"Universal Music has denounced as illegal the use by Deezer, a free on-demand streaming website, of songs from its music catalogue and has asked for their removal from the website. Although Deezer had recently been launched after reaching a deal on royalty payments with a French collecting society representing music artists ..." more

I love Deezer and hope they live.

This Post is for You

2007-10-17T12:34:00.000-04:00

This article is fabulous. "Being Multilingual becoming more essential" - Boston Globe, 10.17.07

I dedicate this photo to all the people who have scoffed at me over the past ten years, and to those who still do, for majoring in a language in college and for studying abroad. I also dedicate this photo to all of the xenophobic colleagues I've had the pleasure of working with in the past. Specifically to the one who said they "hate it when people come this country and they can't speak English," knowing full well that is the case with members of my immediate family.
F off.

(sadly the Blogger photo upload function isn't working at the moment... )

Whoa.... this is too much: Microsoft Surface

2007-10-15T16:11:00.000-04:00

Very cool very cool very cool technology that I want to have right now!!!

Tool for Egocentric Travelers

2007-10-15T12:02:00.001-04:00

I love this nifty tool from Trip Advisor. You can pinpoint all the locations you've been to on a map and then sit back and tell yourself how astute and fabulous you are for having traveled to them. It is also a great self help tool for the times when you've got wanderlust but can't get a fix.

In case you are wondering how astute and fabulous I am... which I know you are... see below :)

Have to point out the obvious here. When my glass is half full, I see all the places I've been. When it's half empty, I see all the ones to which I haven't been... Africa? South America? Far East? :( :( :(

Important Things to Know: Smoots

2007-10-13T18:08:00.000-04:00

If you've ever traversed the Mass Ave bridge and wondered what the hell all those paintings on the sidewalk meant, then this post is for you.

Here is an explanation worth reading:

Smoots

Side splittingly funny

2007-10-10T18:00:00.000-04:00

Ha ha... cannot speak... must watch...

Ewww

2007-10-10T13:03:00.000-04:00

I just had the unfortunate experience of hearing something strange, only to realize it was a fly... I turned my head toward the sound and realized it was buzzing around my light. I then realized it had flown into the light fixture, outside of my line of vision.

All was said and done in a matter of moments when there was an abrupt cessation of noise and a well illuminated puff of flysmoke ...

R.I.P.