Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Blog Therapy

Usually, when I write a post, I feel better afterward. This last post only led me to do something we'll fondly refer to as, well ... gee, the only word that comes to mind is defecate. Don't ask me why I am publishing this. I have a strong feeling I will regret it from the moment I hit "publish post".

But, more women should write about that doncha think? - I'm pretty and I poo!

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. I think I have to admit why I'm upset, for real, in order to work through it. The problem is, I am afraid I won't be able to muster up the damn energy needed to deal with the situation - by not admitting it, I don't have to do anything about it.

But, then my fear of regret is telling me that I need to admit it, deal with it and move on, because if I don't, I risk looking back sometime in the future and wondering why I was such an ass. Then, I run the even bigger risk of giving myself yet another reason to criticize myself - something I definitely don't need. So essentially, it seems to be coming down to, criticize myself now, or, criticize myself later. Hm . .. .. nope, not going down that rabbit hole.

Alright, on to the thing I have to admit today. I'm a procrastinator.
haha, nope, that's not it!

Bwah haaa - that little bit of funny gave me a good chuckle - who needs friends when you can make yourself laugh! Haa!

Alright ... I'm afraid of doing sales! Yes! I am not down with picking up the phone and being on the shitty end of the vulnerability stick (ps my job is sales). I enjoy marketing more! I do not like feeling desperate and cheap and trying so hard to plan out my words and listen carefully to what the other end of the phone is saying so as to perfectly bleat out every breath and tone and ooh and ahh and unhuh in response.

And, I think that fear is making me take a bad situation (no strong leadership/no agreement on strategy/bad economy) and make it worse.

There are so many ugly things down the road this week - I think I'll be the subject of a lot of criticism - it's hard not to care - which is where I wish I was right now - and I would just quit but I've got this great new co-worker and he (don't worry - his orientation doesn't swing my way) is seriously the best ally/unexpected fresh face to come along in awhile and reminds me of old parts of myself I can't seem to find anymore. If I leave, I lose a buddy and leave them behind with a mess I don't think they are equipped to handle. At least someone values me.

Hi there

So, it's been awhile......

Didja miss me?

I come to you this evening with a question - what is the point of growth?

I took a business development job in start-up company in September. And we all know what happened then. The economy hit the pooper. And the company where I am the only business development person is no exception. I may be feeling particularly low today because we delivered the sales report to the partners and they were not happy.

There are a whole host of other things that have gone on since January. The thing I find most depressing, not the fact that the only other employee left to start her own company taking company secrets with her, not the fact that projects seem to be smaller and less frequent, not the fact that my retard CEO made me physically interview 25 people in one week only to have to fire that bad hire 3 weeks later, not the fact that I had to trick the partners into letting me use a recruiter to get the next person in.... nope, none of that - the thing that I find most depressing is that I've gained 8 pounds since January. The skin on my arms feels like Dumbo's ears.

If I can grow, why can't the company?