Wednesday, August 8, 2007

I'm on the cusp on ending my non-working stint and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

... this post is a helluva lot longer than all of my other ones so if you're short on time, skip this and read the older ones ... :)

So, I'm not working right now, which is part of the reason I had time to set up this superfabulous blog. I have an understanding fiance who supported me in my desire to find work about which I could be more passionate than what I was doing before (marketing in a consulting firm - i.e. professional services marketing). Because of his support, at the end of June I was able to leave my job (on good terms for once!).

It's been about a month and a half now and I'm feeling conflicted about what the hell I'm doing with myself. I thought I would try examine what I've accomplished thus far. Hmm, let's see ...

Things I've done with my time:
1. I've managed to have a numerous interviews and am even sitting on an offer right now. And a good offer at that, more money than my last job and seemingly at a company where people have their shit together - though of course one never really knows. It's also related to the area I'm most passionate about, travel.

2. I visited some friends in NYC, Philly and am headed to Miami this weekend. I think I'm about to book two trips - one to Italy and one to Poland.

3. I primed a somewhat unfortunate looking dresser and bought some plants and a cheeky little table for my deck.

4. I started a blog!

5. Yoga, lots of yoga. My flexibility is officially awesome by my standards. I've also lost a few pounds.

6. Discovered and made chili, gazpacho and coconut shrimp with mango salsa!!

7. Got a tan.

8. Celebrated a really nice birthday with my mom by simply sitting at the beach all day.

Things I've realized:
1. A little more preparation may have made this time more productive. (Sometimes I wonder if I am too obsessed with productivity). I could have saved up more money or started the ball rolling with travel, maybe some kind of executive education program or master's degree so that I wouldn't be trying to get the momentum going from scratch once I left work.

2. I realized that I don't like not earning my own money.

3. I realized that I will never get sick of sleeping in or doing yoga or going for walks.

4. I need to stop trying to make sure that everything I do is for the good of my relationship. I think I need to give myself permission to be a little more selfish. (This mentality is how I justified spending almost $400 yesterday on stuff that Suze Orman sells :)

NB: This attitude must be used in moderation when it comes to spending.

5. I realized I put a lot of pressure on myself to accomplish things, tangible things that are evidence to other people of my productivity. I sense this area of myself needs a little more work. I would like to replace this pressure to produce with contentment for my position in life. Is this generational or just me?

6. I realized I'm TERRIFIED of getting married. Not sure exactly why. I think it could have something to do with the fact that I'm afraid of not balancing the pursuit of my own identity with that of my relationship and future family.

7. I type more after drinking a big cup of awesome coffee on an empty stomach.

8. My friend in Austin who helped me pick "Blogger" is super freaking awesome because she doesn't judge and gets the whole challenge of being a female who wants her own an identity despite how easy it is to lose it in a relationship.

9. I want to whiten my teeth. I hear Rembrandt somethingorother is the way to go.

Okay but I digress. The immediate question is whether to take my job offer or not.

PROS of taking it:
(Moment, ich brauche eine Kaffe Pause.)

Okay, hier bin ich. So, pros:

1. Financial: B+
I will have dough. Can pay off my student loans and commence with operation Retire Early (or at least Operation Retire before I'm dead) or Operation Own Your Own Business. Whatever - independence from making money for someone else, I guess.

2. Passion: B-
Somewhat travel related. More so than my last job.

3. Career: B
Will learn about another area of business I'm not terribly familiar with.

4. Mental Stability: A-
Will avoid the whole analysis-paralysis thing. (You know, over analyzing what following my dreams looks like to the point of taking no action.)

1. No free time.
2. Stress.
3. Yucky commute.
4. FAF: Also, known as FAT ASS FACTOR. Ladies, I don't have to explain this one.
5. What if factor: Wonder if I'm just taking the job because I don't know what else to do, thereby avoiding the hard work of pursuing my passion (which, as of yet, remains undefined beyond the fact that I know I love to live in foreign countries for extended periods of time).

I'm getting a little sick of myself. I think I need to go book a trip. Catch ya lata.

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